: The past two weeks + Christmas

The past two weeks have been quite interesting, actually.

Last Monday: I finally got my fiber-connection! I was up at midnight because I was watching NASL4 (Starcraft II), and I was a bit distracted by that so I forgot to check exactly at midnight as I had planned (just for fun). But at about 1pm I started hooking stuff up, and, after a bit of messing around with something that didn't quite get set up right because I misunderstood it, it actually worked. Of course, the first thing I did was put it to the test, and started a bunch of downloads while still watching the NASL4 stream. I think my download speed in total was about 3MB/s, and the stream was still going with no interruptions. The stream was only in 480p, because I wasn't subscribed, but still. It's fucking awesome! =D

Saturday: The rest of the week wasn't very eventful, just me enjoying the fast connection, then on Saturday was Yrjan's 30th birthday party. The day was pretty awesome over all. We started off at Peppes, as suggested by Hallgeir. I think there were 15 of us in total there. Hallgeir, Shawna, Rune, Terje and me at one end of the table, and Yrjan's family at the other end, with Yrjan and Tonje in the middle. Hallgeir, Rune and me did our usual thing, of course. While everyone else just ordered something simple from the menu, we did our usual "Über Complicated Order Process (TM)", creating our own monster-pizzas. The guy who took our order was actually laughing at the end because of how ridiculous it was. =P

After Peppes we went directly up to Huset, to where the party was gonna be. There was still quite some time left before the party was actually supposed to start when we got there, but we passed the time by playing with balloons. Yay! The party itself was actually quite fun. As probably everyone who knows me even remotely know, I'm not a party person. I don't drink, and I don't like drunk people. I don't dance, and I don't really "let go". But I still had a lot of fun just being with people, and enjoying the music. That's pretty much all I really did all night. The party was cut a bit short, though, which unfortunately meant that Yrjan's Hardcore-medley wasn't played. Oh well. He made it available to us the next day, so at least we can listen to it anyway.

Part of the reason why it was cut short was because one of us got way too drunk. Not the kind of way too drunk that he started causing trouble, fortunately. But it was still pretty bad. I think the security-guy threw him out, but I'm not sure. Whatever the case, he started walking around aimlessly, and  ended up being picked up by the police who escorted him back to Huset and told us that he was not capable of taking care of himself. So we decided that, even though there was technically still an hour and half left of the party, it was best to take him back home. And as everything had sort of died down, I guess partially because everyone was worried about this guy, Yrjan decided there was no point in keeping the party going.

The ride home was weird. This guy was so out of it he couldn't really sit up, so I sat behind him and held him up most of the way, so he wouldn't lean on Rune who was driving. Then when we got back to Dokka we ended up sitting with him for, I think, about an hour, to make sure he was okay. When I talked to him a couple of days later he couldn't really remember anything that had happened. Weird.

And yes, I have intentionally avoided mentioning his name. 

Sunday: Saturday was also my grandmother's 70th birthday, but she had decided to celebrate it on Sunday. There's really not too much to say about this day, really, but I did spend most of it at their place, with them, my aunt's family and my uncle's family. It was a pretty good day. =)

As you might know, if you've read my previous entry, it didn't end so good. After I got home I had a sort of breakdown, and ended up writing that thing. Part of me wants to go delete it, but... I don't know. I get like that some times, and this time I was able to get it out. In a way. So, yeah. I think I'm gonna keep it there. I just want to say, though, that I don't feel like that all of the time. I feel lonely most of the time, but not that... Extreme.

Monday: When I left the house on Monday, I had planned to only be away for a couple of hours. That didn't really happen. I started off going to an appointment I had with a kind of personal trainer type lady. I had been there once before, but all we did then was talk about my situation, my condition, and my illnesses. This time we went over different exercises, setting up a program for me, one that I can do at home, or just about anywhere. Most of the exercises are ones I've tried before, but with her instructions I discovered that I had done almost all of them wrong in one way or the other. They all felt so much better doing them how she told me. The only exercise I had done right is one that I feel it's difficult to do wrong; Push-ups. She was actually impressed by how good I did them, so hey.

When I was done, I went to my grandparents. Their fiber-connection was getting activated that day, and I had to set everything up for them. I figured that because I had already set up my own only a week earlier, I could do this pretty quickly. But... It wasn't that simple. I set everything up the exact same way I had done here, without doing the same mistakes I did here, and everything appeared to be working... Except it didn't. I went over everything several times, and couldn't find a single fault in how it was set up. So I had to call Telenor's fiber-support. Turns out the problem was on their end. I'm not quite sure what was wrong, but the guy did something and suddenly everything worked. So, yay for that, or something.

Not too long after that was fixed, Thor Idar called me. He lives next door to my grandparents, and he couldn't get his fiber-connection up and running either. So I went over there, looked over what he had done and fixed what he had done wrong (in his defense, they had gotten the fiber-modem a lot earlier than everyone else, because their old one was broken, and he couldn't find the manual for it). And of course, it still didn't work. So he had to call Telenor as well. I'm convinced the error was the same as at my grandparents, but the guy Thor was talking to couldn't figure it out, even though I explained what the guy I talked to had said (something about reactivating the connection). So the call ended without anything being fixed, he just said that they'd "look into it". A while later he got a call back, and just as he picked up I looked over at the modem and all the right lights were lit. So, yay for that too.

I stayed at Thor's place for quite a while after that, until about 10pm I think. We watched some Starcraft2 streams and VoDs, and just talked about random stuff. Which is something that I don't think I've done with him before, come to think of it, not like that. Rune and I have days like that quite often, but I've never really had that close of a connection with Thor. I really don't know why, because he's a really great guy. =)

The rest of this week I haven't done much. I've mostly been sitting here at home. Monday night was a terrible night, for no good reason. I went to bed a couple of hours after I got back from Thor's place, so at about midnight. But about three and half hour later I woke up feeling like I hadn't really slept. And I could sort of remember going in and out of sleep all that time, kind of like when you have fever dreams. It was really weird. I couldn't fall asleep again either, so I got up and stayed up until about 10am, then I finally go a few hours of real sleep. But I was completely knocked out for the rest of the day when I got back up. Since then I haven't done much.

Plans for Christmas: First of all, I have decided that I'm not gonna bother with any weight loss stuff during Christmas. I'm gonna do what I can to stay where I am, and not go crazy on the candy and stuff like that, but I'm just gonna skip working out completely. I don't have the energy for that anyway. When Christmas and new years is over, then I'm gonna try to get back on it.

On Christmas Eve I'm gonna be at my grandparents. I can't remember the last time I was there on Christmas Eve, but it's been quite a few years. When my dad was still alive, we used to alternate between being at his place or moms place. Then after he passed away I've spent every Christmas Eve with mom. This year, however, mom has decided to run away from Christmas. Basically, she decided that Christmas Eve without any small children (everyone has other plans) was a bit too sad, so she and her boyfriend are in Gran Canaria right now. And I don't really blame her. I think I was the only one who would've been with them if they've stayed here, so... Yeah. I wasn't looking too much forward to that either. At least there will be more people at my grandparents place, as my aunt's family will be there too.

Some time after Christmas Eve I will have a LAN. I haven't really set a date for it, because it wasn't really planned. Or... I had planned to throw a LAN, but then Marius and Veronica beat me to it. And I had originally planned to go to their LAN. The problem is, they live 15 minutes, by car, away from everything. And since I don't have a car of my own I can't get up there, or back down, own my own, nor do I have anyone I can trust to help me with it when I want or need it. I have nothing against neither them nor being at their place, but it makes me feel a bit trapped because it's so far away from everything. Hopefully I can change that before next year, but I'll talk about that a bit further down.

So, there will be one LAN down here at my place, and another LAN at their place. Not an optimal solution, but it'll have to do. The ones who are coming here are Rune, Yrjan and Thor Idar. Yrjan and Thor for the same reason as me, I think, as they're both still without a driver's license even though they're both very close, and Rune because... Well, it's not my place to say. Or something. So, yeah. There are room for more people here, so if anyone else wants to come just ask. =)

Next year: Back in September I was told that because of the type of financial support I'm getting, I can get back most, maybe all, of the "income tax" I pay off of it. So I sent a complaint to Skatteetaten back then, and last week I finally got a letter from them. It said that my complaint had gone through, and that I would get money back. It didn't say how much, though, so I'm not making any concrete plans yet. But if I get anywhere near what my dads cousin got, she was the one who told me about it, then I have decided to finally start working on my driver's license, for real. I did have a couple of lessons back in 2006, but I can barely remember any of it. Because I was still suffering rather severely from my sleeping disorder back then, I wasn't able to continue them. Also, my mom was paying for it back then, and her economy wasn't the greatest. 

For the longest time, I flat out didn't want to get a driver's license. The thought of getting behind the wheel of a car and be responsible for what happened scared the life out of me, and actually still do. But the past few years it's become more and more of a pain that I don't have it, and during the past year and a half it's been really frustrating on several occasions. But in my situation there hasn't been any opportunities to get started on it. There's no way to get financial support from the state, unless you're a single mother living in no-mans-land or possibly if you only need a little bot of help to get finished. I don't have any relatives who can afford paying it for me. And I have no means of saving up the money on my own when I am unable to have a normal job. The only way I could get that amount of money is by winning it. And... Yeah. That's not gonna happen.

Anyway. I still don't know how much I'll get, so I'll have to wait and see. And, referring to the statement above about hoping to "change that before next year", even if I do get enough, I don't know how long getting the license will take, particularly considering I have to start from scratch. So I don't know if I'll have a driver's license before next years New Years LAN. But I hope I will.

I do have a second plan with that money, if I get the amount I hope for. Before starting the driver's license I'm gonna get myself a new desktop computer. My laptop is ok, but it overheats like crazy, and my old desktop is a pile of junk. And I know what you're thinking; Wouldn't it be smart to finish the driver's license before wasting the money on other stuff? And you're probably right. But. If I get that amount of money, then I'll surely get about the same amount again when it's time for the next tax return, because I've had the same type of financial support. And now that I know about it, I can hopefully fix it in time, and not have to send a complaint several months later to get it fixed.

So yeah. That's one thing next year hopefully will bring. But I still have to wait and see exactly how much I do get, so... Yeah.


Aaaand... That's the end of this way too long blog post. Now I gotta go sleep. 

: Lonely bastard.

I am at a loss for what to do. The way I am, the way I work, the things I do and don't do, makes it very difficult for me to meet someone. I don't go to places where it would be likely I'd meet new people, like parties, clubs, bars... And I honestly don't think I'd find someone I'd want in those kind of places anyway. I mean, I don't have anything against that stuff, but it just isn't for me. I'm not the type of guy that is able to go up to someone unknown and initiate a conversation either, particularly not if I find them attractive. Unless of course there's some sort of other purpose to why I'd initiate a conversation with them, and then I'd just get that over with and leave. I'm just very awkward in both of those kind of situations.

And then there's dating sites... They just don't work. At least not for me. I have neither the looks nor am I interesting enough for anyone to looks twice. These type of sites are very much based around first impressions, and I really don't make a good one. And then there's the fact that most of these sites, the allegedly good ones, cost money, which I don't have. And even if I did I wouldn't pay. Because... They don't work. For me.

So, yeah... I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go, how to start, what to say, how to act... I just don't know. It's frustrating. Some people say that I should just let it go, that it will happen when it happens. I don't believe that. At least not in my situation. Unless I find some way to make something happen, nothing will ever happen. But I don't know how to make something happen. I also can't let it go. Every freaking night when I go to bed, I lie awake for quite a while not being able to think about anything other than how much I miss having someone next to me. I just really want to have that back.

And that's how things are right now, for me. I'm a lonely bastard with a negative outlook on just about everything related to love. I want it, but I can't have it. And I don't know how to fix that. I guess I could ask for help, from someone, but I don't know who I should ask, or even what kind of help it is I want. So I guess the purpose of this post, other than to vent, is to... Ask for help. Whatever you can offer, from whoever believes they can offer some.

Help.

: Status Meh.

Two months minus nine days. That's how long it's been since my last update. I just really haven't felt like writing anything. Or rather, I have, but I haven't felt like writing about what I've had to write about. Not that there's really been much to write about anyway. So I figured I'd just write a small update on what's been going on. So, let's see...

Well, first of all, that whole thing with Lisa, that never really was anything, is now definitely nothing. Long story short; I screwed up again. I think. I really don't know, to be honest. I think maybe I did what I usually do, and pushed too hard, got too intense about it. And that's... Bad. The whole thing went back and forth a lot, particularly the last couple of months, and in the end she said it was better to end it. Claiming that it would be better for me to find someone who had time for me. Which I guess is true. But probably not the whole story. So yeah, she's gone from my life. And there's no one else at the moment. Seriously, there's no one. And that is... Weird.

I did have some sort of "date" a while back, the day after my previous update actually, which I had a good feeling about when we parted. Unfortunately, she didn't see it the same way. I mean, she also thought the "date" went well, but she "friendzoned" me later that evening. I just didn't want to deal with that, so I just... Dropped her. The absolute last thing I need right now is to just be friends with yet another girl that I have a crush on. It was bad enough the last time.

So, yeah.

Um... What else has been happening that last couple of months? Not much, really. I've been talking to social services and my doctor about my sleep, and particularly how it affects my ability to function even with the almost normal sleep cycle I have now, and I had a meeting to discuss it with both at the same time but it was cancelled for some reason. Essentially, though, what the doctor said is that there are two more things we can try; Up the strength of the medication, and light therapy. Stronger meds might make the nights that I still can't fall asleep be even less frequent than they are now. It doesn't happen often, but I'm completely fucked up when it does. I'm not so sure about the light therapy, though. Normally, it would work. But as far as I've understood, I'm not affected by light and dark the same way normal people are. I don't get tired when the sun goes down. I don't wake up when the sun comes up. But, I'm gonna try. If we decide to. It all comes down to how expensive it is, really.

And, yeah... That's the most important things, I guess. A couple of minor thing;

• I've shaved my beard and cut my hair super-short. So now I don't look like an amish guy anymore. I look like a lesbian. Sort of. Although I have a five-day beard right now, so probably not so much.
• Fiber-connection is just around the corner, hopefully. I have all the stuff, I just need it to be activated. Which will happen on Monday, according to the letter I got. I don't believe it until it's actually up and running, though.
• My motivation to work out has been completely gone the last month. I blame the season. And my lack of a "focus", so to speak. But, I'm seeing a personal trainer of sorts next Monday, so... Yeah. Managed to keep my weight stable, though.
• I have a new toilet. The plumber was here to fix the old one, which we thought had a leak around the bottom. Turned out the leak was on the cistern-thing in the back, and it was both cheaper and easier to just switch out the whole thing than to try fixing it.

And that's an update on my life at the moment.

I need a girlfriend.

: Time flies.

It's been a bit over a year now since I restarted this blog. It's also been a month since my last update, which means it's already been a month since my birthday. Time flies. During this month I've been mostly playing some new games (Torchlight II and Borderlands 2, as well as quite a bit of FTL), which is the main reason why there hasn't been an update here. Another reason is that I haven't really had anything to write that isn't the same whiny stuff that I've been writing about lately. I've written several posts this month, but I just haven't published any of them. I've just deleted them all, partially because I couldn't put what I wanted to say into words, and partially because I didn't want to be so whiny.

It's been a good month, though, over all. Had my friend Rune basically living at my place for three weeks as we played TLII and BL2 until we dropped (almost literally some days), which was really fun. I didn't really exercise at all during these weeks, and I ate a lot of snacks and stuff, but somehow my weight still went down. Not quite sure why, but I guess it's a combination of increased metabolism and better choices when it comes to the actual food I've been eating. Not to mention that I've started having a lot of smoothies after I got a blender as a birthday present from my grandparents. They say it's supposed to be healthy, so I guess it is. 

I'm back on track with all that stuff now, though, have been exercising a bit again the past week (although it's a bit hard getting back into it after three weeks), and have once again cut out all forms of snacks and stuff like that. Weirdly, my weight seems to have gone slightly up again the past few days, but I guess that's bound to happen some times. It'll go back down again in time.

Other than that... There's really not much to talk about right now. There's nothing new or exciting that has been going on, unfortunately. Nothing that has led anywhere other than to disappointment, anyway. Things are still at a standstill with Lisa, unfortunately, although I do now understand better why. And my attempts at moving on has been fruitless. That's really all there is to say about that.

Hopefully it won't be another month until my next update, and hopefully I'll have something good to write about the next time I write. 

: It's my birthday.

Today is my birthday. I turn 28 today. Hooray for me?

I have a history of a sort of semi-depression around my birthdays, I think since my 18th birthday. Last year I didn't really have that, partially because I went to the Netherlands on that day, so I was pretty distracted by that, but mostly because it was the first birthday of my life that I was in a relationship. We didn't get to spend the day together, because of the trip, but... Either way, I didn't experience any particular depression about it. The three years before that... Well, the first two of those years it didn't hit that hard because I had the sort-of-job at DeltaData. The third it was a bit weird, because I knew that the company was bankrupt and I wouldn't have a sort-of-job anymore at the end of the month.

The main reason why I feel this way bout my birthday is because of the lack of progress in my life. Or maybe I should say the lack of potential for progress? At least I couldn't see the potential for progress. I didn't have a real job, and didn't see it as possible in any way that I could get one (which I still don't). Having the sort-of-job helped a bit, but I knew that I'd never be hired as regular employee. I didn't have a girlfriend, and didn't see it as possible that I'd ever get one. When I finally did, I was doubting the reality of it for a while. Now that it's over I'm sort of back to thinking it won't happen again. At least I'm having a really hard time getting it to happen. Health-wise I was also doing really badly, which was mostly caused by my sleeping disorder. Before I got my diagnosis and meds that actually work (most of the time), I didn't see any potential for improvement there either. I just didn't have the energy to work on it, because of my lack of sleep.

This year I'm not hit that hard by the depression. As mentioned, I still don't see any possibility that I'll ever have a real job. But I have an explanation for why it is the way it is. I can live with that, as long as I'm allowed to, so to speak. I don't have a girlfriend, and my attempts to "fix" that just isn't having an effect. At least it seems that way. But it has happened once. It can happen again. My health is slowly but surely getting better and better. It's the one thing in my life that actually is progressing, and it feels great, it really does. And the fact that I've managed to get my apartment back to a liveable condition during this year also helps quite a bit. 

I don't have a great life. It's really mediocre, in so many ways. But it's getting better. In small ways, a little bit at a time. And that makes me feel a bit better than previous birthdays.


I have no specific plans for today that is related to my birthday. I am going to a party tonight, but that's the wedding party for my aunt and uncle, who got secretly married earlier this summer. So that really makes no room for me to make any plans of my own. Oh well. I'm sure it'll be fun, and I can pretend it's also my party, I guess. I am thinking of having a LAN next weekend, though, which really is better timing anyway as Torchlight II is released (finally!) this Thursday. I know at least Rune is coming. If anyone else wants to come just message me wherever you can find me. Or just leave a comment here.

: Ups and downs. UPDATED

Yesterday I felt awesome. I felt a lot better than I had felt in a long time. I don't know why, but it doesn't really matter. I started a new tumblog(?) for my health, although I'm not quite sure exactly what to put up there yet, other than progress pictures of myself as I (hopefully) lose more and more weight. I might post my exercises there too, but for some reason I can't post directly from Fitocracy to a secondary blog, it automatically posts to my primary blog. I don't know if that's a problem with Fitocracy or Tumblr, but it's annoying. On the other hand, the default Fitocracy tumblr-posts are awful, so it might be better to post on my health-blog manually. Anyway...

The first post on my new health-blog on Tumblr.

I also had some fun in the kitchen yesterday. I made the most home-made pizza I've made in years. I still used a pre-made crust, the type that you just roll out and then put stuff on it, but I didn't take any more shortcuts. Previously I have bought those pizza topping mixes, that you mix with the meat and some water and then "yay, finished". I used actual fresh vegetables, namely bell pepper, onion, mushrooms (yes, fresh, not the canned kind) and tomatoes. And I used chicken instead of pork or beef. The result was pretty delicious, although not perfect. I made some notes about how to hopefully make it better next time, though. Now if only I could find a more whole-grain crust...

The result of my kitchen fun. =)

Today I, unfortunately, feel rather crappy. Most likely due to waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep again for over an hour. This has been happening more and more lately, and it's very annoying. It might be because I lost my focus a bit for about a week and a half, and pretty much "fell off the wagon" when it came to both exercise and eating habits. I've gotten back on track now, so I hope it'll get better again soon. But due to my lack of sleep last night, my workout today felt a lot heavier than it should have.

It's a shame the actual effect of my sleeping meds isn't that long. It pretty much just causes me to fall asleep, and then I'm on my own, so to speak. If I do wake up in the middle of the night, the whole thing is essentially cancelled. I mean, I do get the benefit of the rest I've gotten up to that point, but it's hard to fall back asleep, and even when I do it's not as restful as it was before I woke up. Weirdly, though, this doesn't seem to happen if I just have to get up to pee. I guess maybe because I'm sort of still halfway asleep or something? 

Either way. I'll most likely be heading to bed relatively early today, and hopefully I'll get a good nights sleep tonight. If I do, I'm gonna try to reach at least 25mins, hopefully 30, on one of the sessions on the elliptical tomorrow. I've been as high as 35mins, but I honestly don't know what was going on that day. I must've had some sort of amazing energy burst, 'cause the 35min session was the last of three, the first two being 30min and 10min. I want more days like that... 

Update:
I decided to go for a walk tonight. I was about to ready to just zone out with a movie or something until bedtime, just had to take out the trash... Then I got outside, and the cold fresh air was just... Heaven, really. So I decided that I should go for a short walk, despite the rain. By the time I actually got to walking the rain had stopped, and the air felt a bit less fresh, but I went anyway. And I went much farther than I had planned. And I probably could've gone even further if I hadn't forgotten my water bottle. Probably should've done this in the first place, and just skipped the elliptical today. Oh well, now I've done a little bit of both. And I feel a lot better.

: My goal in life.

Warning: This post consists mostly of me beating down on myself. I'd prefer it if you just move along if you can't deal with that, or for some reason feel the need to act superior, make fun of it, or beat me down even more.

For the past year I've been thinking a lot on what my goal in life is. A lot of that has to do with my ex asking me that question on several occasions in the time before we broke up. It's a question that I, in my situation, hasn't been able to answer. When you think about having a goal in life, you usually think about stuff like careers, or having children, seeing the world, changing something... Stuff like that. I don't have those goals. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't want any of it, but it's not important to me in that way.

: What happened this Friday.

For no real reason, here's what happened on Friday.

09:58 : Gets an SMS from my brother, asking if I'm awake yet.

10:00 : Alarm rings.

10:00 - 12:00 : Getting ready to leave (eating breakfast, showering, etc).

12:00 : Leaves my apartment.

12:15 : Buys some food for the day and withdraw money for the bus and the play ticket.

12:25 : Bus arrives, there's some delay because of a delivery. Gets on and fills my bus card, thinking I can use it on the next bus as well.

12:40 : Bus finally leaves, 10 minutes late.

13:35 : Bus arrives at Gjøvik.

13:35 - 14:25 : Waiting for the next bus at Gjøvik.

14:25 : Accidentally turns around and sees the bus I'm supposed to get on. If I hadn't, I probably would have missed it, and had to either go back to Dokka or wait another two hours. Gets on it, realizing I can't use my bus card on this bus. I basically wasted 300 NOK earlier, although I can use it at any time, so it's not that bad.

14:30 : Bus leaves.

14:45 : Gets some new directions from Lisa; Instead of getting off the bus at Stubberud, I'm supposed to get off at Feiring church and meet some people at a "gathering place" there.

15:30 : Arrives at Feiring, starts walking up to the church.

15:45 : Arrives at the church, realizes I wasn't supposed to go up there.

15:55 : Starts walking along the road to Feiring Jernverk, hoping I'll get lucky and be able to hitchhike with someone who's going up there.

16:05 : Gets a ride further up the road with a woman who's going all the way up, but she has to stop off at home first. She'll pick me up again later if I haven't been able to hitchhike with someone else.

16:15 : Gets a ride all the way up with a couple of the actors.

16:30 : Arrives at the parking lot, realizing I'd be probably very close to dead if I had walked all the way up, starts walking to Jernverket.

16:45 : Arrives at Jernverket. Gets a message from Lisa; The actors have already started preparing, so I wont be able to meet her until after the play.

16:45 - 19:00 : Sits around waiting, talks to a couple of people, eats a bit. Gets visited by a small lizard while I'm sitting on a bench, before moving over to the area where we're suppose to watch the play. Turns my phone off to save battery.

19:00 : The play starts. Pleasantly surprised by the actual acting, although the play has a bit too much focus on Christianity for my taste. It's a historical play, though, so I guess that's unavoidable.

20:25 : A short break.

20:30 : Turns on my phone to check the time, gets a message that my brother-in-law has tried calling me. Calls him back, telling him I might arrive at Gjøvik two hours later than I had planned, because the play lasts longer than I thought. He says he might send some English speaking people to drive me home..?

20:40 : The play continues.

21:40 : The play finishes. Goes to look for Lisa. Sees her talking with some of the other actors, decides to wait until she's free. Sees that she has noticed me.

21:50 : She starts walking back to where the actors change.

21:55 : Gets a message. She's hurt her foot somehow, says she'll be right back when she's changed.

22:00 : Gets another message. She has left Jernverket because she's hurt her foot worse than she originally thought, has to go somewhere to get the wound cleaned. Very disappointed I was so close, but didn't get to actually meet her.

22:10 : Talks to the woman I hitchhiked with a short while earlier, asking if I can hitch a ride back down. She works there, so says I'll have to wait. Some friends of hers says I can go with them. 

22:20 : Starts walking down, in the opposite direction from where I arrived. 22:40 : Arrives at the parking lot, gets in their car. Passes Stubberud, where I was supposed to get off the bus earlier, and gets driven to Feiring, where I did get off.

22:50 : Arrives as Feiring.

22:50 - 23:50 : Lying down on the bus stop at Feiring. Texting a bit with Lisa, asking what happened. She had managed to step on a nail. Her foot is bandaged, and she's on antibiotics. So, yeah, no wonder she had to leave. Still very disappointed that I didn't get to meet her, though. I also send an SMS to my brother-in-law asking him to please pick me up himself, if possible, I am in no mood to deal with people I don't know.

23:50 : Gets on the bus, 10 minutes late. Eats a bit, then just sits and waits for the bus to arrive, don't want to do anything, just really want to get home at this point.

00:45 : Bus arrives at Gjøvik. Gets in the car with my brother-in-law and some Lithuanian guy. Apparently my brother-in-law's car was behind the gate at the camping lot, which was locked at 23:00, so they had to use the Lithuanian guy's car, which he's not allowed to drive because it has Lithuanian plates.

00:45 - ? : Tells my brother-in-law about my day on the drive to Dokka, leaving the Lithuanian guy out of the conversation as he doesn't speak Norwegian. Oh well.

? : Arrives at home. Vewt.

I'm very glad I was having a LAN this weekend, 'cause my mood got infinitely better when I got back home. I really needed to have people there, 'cause basically nothing had gone right that day. It got my mind off what had happened. The only really good thing is that I got to see Lisa, and she really is beautiful, but it's a lot less than what I wanted to get out of this trip. Hopefully I'll get another chance soon.

Oh, and I got to some exercise as well. =P

: Cut out of my life.

There comes a few times in your life where you have to choose between your own well-being, and your friendship with someone very close to you. A while back I had to make this decision in regards to someone I had been very close with for quite a while, and I decided to go with my own well-being. I decided to cut this person completely out of my life. I deleted her number from my phone, removed her from my friends list on every social site, stopped using MSN because she was the only person I ever really talked to on there... Etc. And I sent her a last message telling her how I felt and why, explaining why I had decided to do this.

My life, and my mood in general, changed drastically after this. I used to talk to this girl a lot, almost every day. We had a lot of good talks, but we also talked about a lot of stuff that was really painful to me. I had a huge crush on this girl, possibly the strongest crush I've ever had, and most certainly the longest. She tried to develop feelings for me in return, she really did, on several occasions, but it just doesn't work that way. In short; I had been "friendzoned", hard.

When we talked about trivial things, it didn't matter much to me, I was just happy to be talking to her. But then there were the times where the subject would change to love or sex, or anything else in that direction, and I'd feel a physical pain run through me. I wanted her more than anyone else, yet I was doomed to a life of being her "relationship councilor", listening to her complain about, and trying to help her with, her love life. Pretty classic case of "friendzoning". And while the first couple of days after I cut her out of my life were riddled with doubt, the sense of peace I experienced after a while of not talking to her or thinking about her, being able to focus on more important and relevant stuff, was surprising. It's probably one of the best things I've done for my mental health this year.

Making this decision wasn't easy, though. First of all; It seemed really unfair to her. She didn't really do anything wrong, she can't help feeling the way she does more than I can. She just wanted to be my friend. I'm the one with the problem, why should I "punish" her to get over it? Second; I really enjoyed a lot of our talks, even the ones that went into painful territory. She was one of the very few people I was able to have long and meaningful conversations with online. I'm very difficult to talk to online, as I have a tendency to just say what I have to say and then just go silent. I guess that's what it is to be an introvert. She managed to get me going, though, and part of me really didn't want to lose that.

In the end, as I've said, I decided to go with my own well-being over both her feelings and the convenience of having someone to actually have long online conversations with. I decided that it wasn't worth dealing with these painful feelings all of the time. And even though she still pops into my mind from time to time, and I start having some doubts as to whether I did the right thing or not, I really think I'm better off with her out of my life.

: Summer-LAN (and more).

This weekend will be interesting.

I'm having a LAN this weekend, from Thursday to Sunday. Not quite sure who'll actually show up yet. The ones I know will come, will probably be here on Thursday. The rest, if they come, will be here sometime on Friday. I hope most of the people I've invited will show up, 'cause it's been a while since I've had a real big LAN, would be nice to have that again. If all the people I've invited (who hasn't already said no) comes, we'll be 8, including me.

On Friday, however, I will be gone most of the day. I hadn't really planned this, I had actually abandoned this plan before I started inviting people to the LAN, because I thought it would be impossible to get there by bus. But it turns out it's a lot easier than I thought, so I'm gonna do it anyway. I'm going to a place called Feiring, more specifically to Feiring Jernverk, to see a play called "Menn av malm, jenter av jern". I'm not really going there for the play (although I'm sure I'll enjoy it); I'm going because the girl I've been talking to for quite a while now is in it, and it's a great chance to finally meet her.

So, I'll be leaving home at about 12 on Friday, and will hopefully be back home at about 23:30 (my brother in law is gonna drive me back, as there are no buses that late). That means that I won't be here when people show up on Friday. But, as I said, a couple of people come on Thursday (and at least one of them will be here all day), so anyone who comes on Friday should still be able to get in.

: Eqamusic: OCRemix favorites!

Just because I'm bored and not feeling too good at the moment (think I ate something I shouldn't have earlier), I've decided to post ten of my favorite tracks from the OCRemix website. In no particular order.

: Summer.

So far this summer I have done next to nothing. I've stayed at home for the last month, not wanting to really go anywhere, and not really having anywhere to go either. I've also been waiting for something, but this something keeps getting postponed, and although I know that it's no ones fault, it gives me the feeling of knocking my head against a wall. A very solid wall. On wheels. Or something. It keeps moving back, but it wont let me through.

Anyway.

Earlier today my mother called, and asked if I wanted to come visit them for a while, at Strømmen. She's heading in this direction tomorrow, and thought maybe she could pick me up before she went home. And as far as I know, absolutely nothing at all will happen around here this week, so I figured why the hell not. At the very least, it'll be a change from just sitting here alone, staring at the screen day in and day out (and occasionally working out). In addition to visiting my mother and her boyfriend, and my sister, I'll also be able to visit my brother, and possibly a couple of friends. So, that'll be good.

Speaking of working out, btw; Progress on the elliptical machine has been very fast. The first couple of times I used it, I felt like I was in a torture machine. I guess I just wasn't used to it yet. I couldn't go very fast, and certainly not for long (with exception of the second day, which I guess was some sort of energy-boost fluke?). It has gotten easier and easier, though, and I've certainly gotten more used to the way I have to move on it. The first times I used it, I felt like I was gonna fall over when I got off, no matter if it had been 5 or 15 minutes. Now I can go 25 minutes and still have my balance intact. But, I'm still only on the lowest resistance level, having attempted a couple of sessions on level 2 (and one very poor attempt at level 3). So I still have a long way to go. And as far as weight loss, which this machine is supposed to be very good for... Well, it did go down a bit. Then it went back up. So, who the fuck knows. At least my general physical condition is getting better, that's ultimately what matters. 

On a very different note; It has now been 7+ months since my ex and I broke up. I can't say that I don't miss her, we did spend more than a year together after all. And she was my first girlfriend. I'm not even gonna use the modifier "real" there, because there really was no one before her. But, I have accepted the fact that I won't get her back, and that she has moved on, quite a while ago. So, what has been bothering me more and more the last couple of months isn't so much that I miss being with her, but more that I miss being with someone. I miss all the things that being with someone I love brings. I miss being close to someone... It really is no fun going to bed every night and have nothing to hold but my duvet. I feel like I'm right back to where I was before I met my ex, except that now I know what I'm missing.

That pretty much sums it up, I guess.

I hope something good happens soon.

But for now, I'm going to my mother place, and will probably be staying there for a while. I have no idea how long. I really hope that I'll have something else to do next week, but that's not up to me. If not, I might just throw a LAN again when I get home. It's been more than month since the last one (which was awesome, btw), so it's about time. I might even invite some more people, but that means that all games that require a constant connection to the internet (like Diablo III) will be basically unplayable, due to my amazingly crappy connection. So, anyone want to come? =P

: Walk of Life

Been quite a while since my last update now. No wonder, as there haven't been a lot going on lately. Mostly just waiting for a couple of things to happen that never happens.

I'm still waiting for the help I was gonna get with properly cleaning my apartment. Apparently, the people they had found to help me are working under the table, or whatever the expression is. Basically they don't pay taxes. And as a governmental department, NAV can't exactly support that. So I don't know what is going on there. Hopefully they figure something out soon. I've come to a point that I'm really just maintaining what I have already done. There's very little actual progress going on here.

The other major thing I'm waiting for is... Private. I just hope it happens soon. =)

As for my working out, I've tried out a few new exercises that I think works fairly well. I've also gotten an elliptical trainer, and that thing is really rough. I've tried using one of those before, but I had forgotten just how hard it is. Tried using it for the first time yesterday, and I could barely do 3x4 minutes. Actually, I couldn't, the second attempt was only 3,5 minutes. They say it's one of the best machines to use for fat-burning, though, so I hope that's true.

I was at the nutritional adviser again today, for my monthly diabetes check-up, and she wasn't very pleased with my sugar levels. She talked to my actual doctor for a few minutes, and they concluded that I should increase my diabetes medication dosage drastically. Up until now I've only taken one in the morning and one before bed. Now I have to take two in the morning, two mid-day, and two before bed. That's three times as much as before. Apparently this will also help with my weight-loss, so... Yeah. I'm crossing my fingers for that. For the next two weeks, though, I'll have to keep a very close eye on my sugar levels, in case it goes too low.

Oh, and the fiber-connection will take longer than expected. Apparently, there's a specific area that will get it first, and I'm just outside that area. They've been around setting up posts in front of all the houses that will get it now, I see them everywhere, but not one in the part of the street that I'm on. I got a letter from Telenor as well, saying that I won't get it until January. So, yeah. Bah. I guess this means that when I have LANs with more than four people, any games that require being connected to the internet will be absolutely lowest priority.

The title this time is from Dire Straits' "Walk of Life".

: Bleh.

I need to pull myself together again. The last few days have been absolutely terrible. I don't know why, but each day have been worse then the one before.

Last weekend I had a LAN, and it was awesome. When the LAN was over, I decided that this week I'd try to work out a little bit every day. Instead of two massive sessions a week, I'd try one small session every day. It started out fine, I managed to do a one short session on Monday, and a slightly longer one on Tuesday. I really pushed myself, though, even though for some reason my heart rate just wouldn't go up on the last cycle set. On Wednesday I just did not have the energy to jump on the bike, so I just did some push-ups. The rest of the day I barely did anything. And then yesterday was just awful. I spent most of the day on the couch, I even fell asleep for about three hours at one point. I just didn't have any energy, didn't want to do anything. I absolutely hate feeling like that.

I'm still not feeling too good today. I think I need to get outside. I have to go shopping anyway, something I really should've done two days ago. Hopefully that will make me feel better.

: No early riser.

I've noticed something new about my sleep-pattern recently...

During the last few months, I've had my phone set to wake me up rather early in the morning. I started off at 9am for a quite a while, then about a month back or so I moved it back to 8:30. That might not be considered very early to most people, but to me it is. Anyway, that's not the point, as that is working out rather good. The problem occurs when I for one reason or another wake up earlier than that. Particularly earlier than 7am. I don't know what it is, but it seems that around 7-7:30 is some sort of "tipping point" for me, possibly related to my sleep disorder.

Say I wake up at 7:45. That's all good, I'm up and feeling fine and can go about my day like any other. There's really no difference between then and 8:30, no matter if I went to bed at 11pm or 1am. But then say I wake up at 6:45, like today. I wake up feeling fine and well rested, ready to handle just about anything. Then two hours later, I'm so tired again I feel like I'm being tortured having to stay awake. It doesn't make sense that that one hour affects me that much. Particularly as I can go to bed at 1am, wake up at 7:45 and feel good all day, but if I go to bed at 11pm and wake up at 6:45, I feel awful. That's one more hour of total sleep, and it's still killing me. Light and weather doesn't seem to affect it either, it happens just as much in summer and winter, on bright sunny days and grey rainy days.

I've been thinking about this, and I think it's very likely that it is related to my sleep disorder. I think about 7-7:30am is my "falling asleep" time, where my body normally wants to fall asleep and relax. If I'm already asleep then, it doesn't have any effect, and I can wake up just after and feel well rested. But if I wake up before that, then it will affect me, even though I've used the melatonin to "jump-start" the same process only a few hours earlier. I know my sleep pattern is very delayed, I've known for several years now even though it wasn't diagnosed until just a year and a half ago, but I guess it's so delayed that the effect of the melatonin pills I take has essentially worn off by the time the real process is supposed to begin? It's really the only thing I can think of that explains this weird phenomenon.

I don't have anything to base this off, other than my own experience. I don't know if this is what's actually going on, or if I'm way off. It's just annoying, and I wish I could prevent it somehow. I guess I'll have to ask my doctor the next time I'm there what she thinks.

: Live is Life?

Finally had a LAN again this weekend. Not a big LAN, there were only three of us, but it was still fun. Unsurprisingly, we only played Diablo III (do not click that link if you don't want to diminish your enjoyment of the game). But, my fears for any upcoming LANs were confirmed; My connection is so bad that it's almost impossible to play Diablo III while anyone else is using the internet in any other way. Basically, what that means, is that for the time being, even when my apartment have been properly cleaned (which apparently wont happen until sometime in July), I wont have any bigger LANs. Unless those attending play games that doesn't require being online, of course. But there's fewer and fewer of those coming out, so... Eh. I want Torchlight II.

My connection will hopefully be fixed sometime during the next six months. A guy from Telenor went around the neighborhood a couple of weeks ago, getting people to sign up for fiber-optic connections, saying that if 80% of the neighborhood signed up they'd begin digging and building the new infrastructure for the fiber-optic during the summer and finish in about six months. From what I heard there was only one household that didn't sign a contract. I've no idea what will actually happen when, though, so... Yeah. It'll happen when it happens. I'm really looking forward to when it does happen, I'm so sick and tired of this crappy connection.

There hasn't been much else going on the last week. I can't even really remember much of last week, but that's probably because I spent most of it either in Sanctuary, or working out. Speaking of working out, on Wednesday I went for a walk again and walked for a mile. That is a metric mile, 10 kilometers. It wasn't the best idea I've ever had considering the heat that day, and the fact that the soles on my shoes were almost completely worn out. I still have a blister under my foot. The next day I heard that a newly opened sports store had major discounts on walking/running shoes, so now I got a new pair. Can't wait to try them out, they feel a lot better than the old ones, which I'm pretty sure were only made for inside sports.

Today's title is from the song "Live is Life" by Opus. Still looking for more songtitles with the word "life".

: It's my life!

This past week I've basically done nothing but play Diablo III. I'm not gonna write about that here, though, as I'm in the process of writing a post about it over on Eqagames. Although, you probably don't want to read that when I publish it if you don't want to diminish your enjoyment of the game. I'm pretty much just going over everything that I find disappointing about the game, compared to Diablo II.

Other than that, I've been working out quite a lot recently. I'm not sure what's going on, but for some reason I actually want to do it, which is a really, really... Weird feeling for me. I've always been the kind of guy who've shunned any kind of exercise, and up until recently all the exercise I really did was walking, which I've done very little of lately. But I've started using the exercise bike a lot more recently (although I wish I had one that was better, if anyone knows about one I could get cheap).

I'll admit that the first few times I really hated it, my legs really did not want to cooperate with me and started hurting almost immediately. But I've managed to push through that part and while it still feels a bit uncomfortable after a while, it's a lot better than it was. To compare; Back when I wrote this post I could only do 5+2x10 minutes. Two days ago I did 5+4x10+15 minutes. Today I did 5+3x10+15, one less 10min set than two days ago, but faster than before. It feels pretty good. I'm a bit curious if this has translated into any improvement in my walking, so I think I'll go for a walk out towards Odnes again sometime in the next couple of days.

My push-ups have also improved, although I'm a bit inconsistent in how many I do. Two days ago I did 5x7, today I did 4x8. But whatever, it's definitely an improvement over the 3x8 I wrote about last time, which was my absolute limit at that point. I've also started doing sit-ups, but again I have no idea if I'm doing it right. The description over at Fitocracy says I have to anchor my feet under something, and I don't have anything I can properly anchor my feet under. I tried using the exercise bike, but it's a bit too light, I keep lifting it with my feet. It also says I have to be "fully upright", but I just can't do that yet. Either way, I feel it in my abs, and I guess that's what counts. Isn't it?

The most amazing part, to me, is how much better I feel, mentally, when I do work out. After about four days of gaming Diablo III, and one 17th of May eating lots of stuff I shouldn't, I was feeling rather crappy, both mentally and physically. Then I got on the bike and when I was done I felt great! Again, I've always stayed away from exercising, but looking at it now I can't understand why.

Oh, and I've gotten a couple of questions about the girl I wrote about in my last life-update, and, well... I still don't want to talk too much about it, as there's not too much to talk about yet. I will say this, though; I like her more and more the more I interact with her. And as far as I can tell, the feeling is mutual. But yeah, I still haven't actually met her. I'm hoping it wont be too long until we do meet, but it'll happen when it happens. 

And... Yeah. That's about it.

Btw; Give me song-titles with the word "life" in the title, that are appropriate for blog-posts about general life-updates. Like, last time I used "That's Life" by Frank Sinatra, and this time it's "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi. I just thought I'd make that a thing. =P

: Not one for book-learnin'.

I am not a book-person. I wish I was, as I imagine there are quite a few amazing books out there, but I just can't bring myself to actually read. I guess I've been spoiled by games, movies and TV-series when it comes to pacing in story-telling. Although, then again maybe not. Maybe I've always been this way.

Fiction

When I was younger, up to about 13-14, I did read books. Not a lot, but I read some. I particularly enjoyed the Narnia-books, and I've also read three of four different versions of Robinson Crusoe. And a few other random books here and there, like a very long and complicated version of the Jungle Book. But there's one thing I found time and time again, and that is that I am unable to stay focused during the "down-time" in books. If the "action" is put on hold for some mundane side-story or drawn-out character development or whatever, my mind starts drifting and suddenly I've read a couple of pages without actually knowing what I've read, resulting in having to go back and re-read a usually incredibly boring part of the book.

This is part of the reason why I don't sit down and read books, 'cause I know there will be these parts in the book, and I know I'll drift off when reading them, which makes what should've been an enjoyable experience very tedious and annoying. And I can't exactly skip these parts either, 'cause then I might miss important plot points, and something that happens later will make no sense to me. Not to mention that skipping ahead in a book is essentially a guessing game. In movies and TV-series, and to some degree games, you usually don't have that problem. There's always something real you can focus on to keep you interested in what's going on, and if it's based on a book, the most boring parts have most likely been cut or edited to make a long point short.

Non-Fiction

Frustratingly, this also happens whenever I'm studying something. Whether it be randomly searching up something on Wikipedia, or actually reading a schoolbook or similar. I think this is part of the reason why, several years ago now, when I was supposed to be studying privately and pass the basic "college" subjects without actually going to school, I basically just screwed the whole thing. I don't remember anymore what subjects those were, as I never even got to do most of the exams, because the school screwed up and sent the info to the wrong address. The only one I did was English, on which I got a 4/6. Based on my grasp of the English language, the sensor said I should've gotten a 5, but based on my knowledge of American history (which was the subject for that year, for some reason, I never understood what history and stuff like that has to do with a language subject) I was supposed to fail, as I hadn't studied it at all. So I got a 4.

Whenever people say that I'm smart and should sit down and study and fulfill my potential and whatever, I act like I'm flattered, but really I'm just annoyed and frustrated. 'Cause I know that it's true; If I really do sit down and study something that I find interesting, I loose myself in reading it, and I can often understand it rather easily. But I also know that most of the stuff that I have to study to get any kind of education will be boring as hell, and then my mind will start to drift, I'll get annoyed because I have to read stuff over and over because I didn't pay attention the first eighteen times, and eventually I'll just give up and throw the book out the window. I just don't have the focus needed to do something like that. I wish I did, but I don't. Damnit, there's even been times where I've drifted away because I find my own writing too boring.

Conclusion

So... Yeah. This is part of the reason why I don't read that much. Again, I wish I didn't have this problem, 'cause I'd love to be able to study, experience and learn through reading. I mean, I still do that, but... I'd like to do in a larger scale, so to speak. But this just happens. Even when I try to focus on focusing, my mind drifts away thinking about focusing, and I again don't learn anything.


TL;DR: TL;DR.


And some questions in the hope of getting some response:
How do you experience reading something that you find boring or uninteresting?
Have you ever given up on studying something/reading a book?

: Status: Unconfirmed.

The last few days have been a bit weird. There's something in the back of my brain, gnawing at me, but I can't seem to focus on what it is and deal with it. Hopefully I can pry it out soon and exterminate it, as it's taking away my ability to concentrate. It's even difficult to write without getting distracted. But I'll try. 

Confirmation Yay 

I don't know if "confirmation" is the actual work used for this type of ceremony in English, and I don't feel like looking it up right now. But whatever the case, I was visiting my mom this weekend because of my sister, Silje's, confirmation. A civil confirmation, not a christian one, which I was very happy and relieved about. It was a very nice event in many ways. The actual ceremony was not boring, which surprised me. I don't think I've ever been to any confirmation ceremony before, neither civil, christian nor other, at least not that I can remember, but I've always imagined it to be dreadfully boring. And I guess that if it had been christian, it probably would have been.

My sister Therese, me, my half-sister Silje, my brother Stian, and Silje's half-sister Marie.

The best part about the whole deal, though, was after the ceremony, at the party. No, not because of the food or cakes (although both were delicious), but because we got to meet people from my sister's father's family (yeah, she's actually my half-sister), that I barely get to meet anymore. Now, I, being my usual halfway introverted and socially awkward self, didn't actually talk to too many of them. But it was still nice. I sort of wish more of the people from their family had been there, though, but the place was already rather full. 

Confirmation Boo 

I must admit, though, that part of me is feeling... Slightly pissed off at the whole confirmation thing. Or rather, slightly pissed off at my ex-step-father's (my sister's father) influence back when I was supposed to have been confirmed. You see, back then, he was so strongly against a civil confirmation that he convinced my mom that I couldn't have that. And I absolutely refused to do it in church, as I am as far from a religious person as you can get, even back then. My other sister didn't get confirmed either, for the same reason. My brother was fortunate enough to live with our father when it was his time, so he got to choose what he wanted, and got his civil confirmation. 

And yes, I'll also admit that the main reason I'm slightly pissed off about this, is because of the money I didn't get. There wasn't really much else I cared about. I didn't, and still really don't, know what a civil confirmation actually involves. I didn't really feel any peer pressure or social stigma from being one of the few, if not the only, person not to get confirmed, as at that time I was already more or less an outcast. It's really mostly the money, and the party, that I didn't get that really annoys me about it. As well as the fact that my ex-step-father really shouldn't have had any say in the matter. The fact that he now let his own daughter get the confirmation she wanted, while also making me (as mentioned) happy and relieved, makes me even more pissed off about it.

Oh well.


I guess I should add some questions to the end if I ever want some response on these blog posts.

What's your opinion on confirmations, both civil and christian (or other)?
Should step-parents have much influence on children's lives if both real parents are still involved?

: That's life.

I usually try to avoid writing more than one blog post (on the same blog) in a single day, as I don't want to "overexpose" my blog. Usually this is not a problem, as I usually write three to five posts spread over a month, but right now my brain is working overtime, causing me to lose sleep again, and I just have to write it down. I'll probably wait until tomorrow morning to actually submit it, though.

Diabetes

Days like today (technically yesterday), while very nice for my overall life, is not very good for my diabetes. I spent a lot of time out of the house today, walking around, talking with relatives and stuff like that. Basically being my somewhat crippled form of social. But as a result, my rather strict eating-routines have been severely disturbed today. Last time I went to the "diet-adviser", that I go to about once a month due to my diabetes followup program, she told me that I had developed a nice rhythm in my eating habits, but also that I still ate a bit too much every time I ate. So she gave me some new advice, which was basically; Eat even less every time I eat, but also eat more often for a while. The goal, she said, was to make my stomach used to smaller amounts of food at a time, and eventually get back to the old rhythm with the smaller portions. I guess it sounds more complicated than it is.

The problem with this is that it makes my life very... Strict. While it's usually advised that people eat every three-four hours, I now have to eat every two-three hours. And when going out or visiting someone, that's quite a hassle. Today, when I was down in Dokka with my grandmother and some other relatives, I started getting hypoglycemic (low blood sugar, resulting in shaking, feeling ill) because I hadn't eaten in such a long time (which really wasn't more than about four hours, but considering the small amount I ate...), and I ended up buying an ice cream to at least get some sugar in me. And then I was invited to dinner at my grandparents', which is nice, but they were so vague about when that I again went almost four hours between meals, and again almost got hypoglycemic.

I need to make some sort of system for when I get in situations like that.

Exercise

So, April haven't been a good month for walks. Either the weather's been awful or I've been sick. Or it's been easter. So yeah, I haven't really been able to follow up on all those long walks I had in the end of March. But I'm starting to get into a nice habit of other types of exercise, that aren't weather- or health-dependent; I've started using the ancient exercise bike that I got from my grandparents, and I've started doing push-ups. The exercise bike isn't the best thing around. The speedometer/timer-panel has broken off, so I had to tape it back on, and the gear-thing is really weird, so it's really difficult getting it to a resistance that feels ok. But it's good exercise, I'm completely exhausted after 5+10+10 minutes on it. The push-ups aren't something I thought I'd be able to do, but after trying it only from the knees up, instead of full ones, I figured it's better than nothing. I can do about 3x8 of those right now, up from 3x5 when I first started.

Weird things.

I've also gotten these weird things, which I don't know if actually helps in any way. I do feel it in both my hands and arms if I use them for a while, so I guess there it at least some benefit to it. Or something.

Love-life

I don't want to talk too much about this yet, but I have met someone that I really like. Or, I haven't actually met her yet, but I'm hoping that it won't be too long until I can meet her. But I've been talking to her on and off for quite a while, and even more the last few days, and... Yeah. She seems great. I'm looking forward to finding out where this goes. Hopefully it actually goes somewhere. =)

I am a bit concerned about the age-difference, though. She's almost ten years younger than me; She turns 18 in a couple of weeks, I turn 28 in September. But... Yeah. I don't know. Hopefully, I'm worrying about nothing.

Apartment

It's getting there!

I'm still working on getting my apartment ready for LAN's again. Now you might think that it couldn't really be that much work, that it couldn't possibly actually take this much time... And you're right, it really shouldn't. I've been working on it for about two and a half months in total now (or maybe closer to just two), so I really should be done with it by now, several times over even. But it's not as simple as that. First of all; My apartment was in a very, very, very poor state when I started working on it. I had tons of junk that I had to throw away, as it was useful for nothing except wasting space. And I still have stuff that I need to throw away, only I can't without paying for it. And I don't have the money to pay for getting rid of trash. 

Second; I'm not a fast worker when it comes to stuff like cleaning. It's not that I'm bad at it (although I'm not exactly good at it either), it just takes me a long time. And due to my general physical condition (which has been getting better due to exercising), I can't do it for very long at a time. I have to take frequent breaks, which often gets me derailed, and I end up only half-finishing something. 

Combining the poor starting state of my apartment and the fact that it takes me a long time to get things done means that, while there is overall progress, the things that I've finished must be redone several times, which means that the closer I get to finishing, the longer it takes to progress further. It's frustrating. But fortunately, there's a light in the end of the tunnel. I've gotten support from Nav to get my apartment professionally cleaned, once. To get me back to a starting point, meaning I can focus on maintenance rather than restoration. This is a one time deal, and I only get this help now because I never got anything like it back when my sleep disorder was an actual problem. Back then I was so out of it I didn't even notice how bad it was.

I do now, though, and this is the one big thing that's keeping me down at the moment, to the point that it's, indirectly, one of the main reasons why the relationship between Wenche and I broke. And... Yeah. I just want to get things to a point where I can feel good about having visitors. I mean, I don't really feel too bad about it anymore, but there's still a lot of improvements that need to be done. And until they're done I really don't want to have any LAN's.

Almost ready for LAN, but not quite.

The only problem now is that I have no idea when I'll get this professional help...

Well, that was a little bit about everything that's been going on in my life recently. I've probably forgotten something, but I think this is more than enough for one update. =P

: Artist or no?

The past few years I've spent very, very little time on deviantArt. Only a few hours a year, actually. I don't really know why that is. At least as a spectator, I'm still very much interested in the art that takes place there. And I still hold that place in high regards. But I guess it's hard to keep up an interest in a place like that when your own creative spark is missing. 

I used to be very passionate about creating stuff. I wasn't very good at it, but I created. I liked to experiment and try out weird stuff, although 99% of that was never seen by anyone but me. Most of the stuff I submitted there was, when you start to break it down, mostly the same stuff, the same techniques and filters, over and over, done in a slightly different way. And I guess that's what killed my spark. Through all my experimenting with different things, I never really was able to learn how to properly use any of the tools I experimented with, I was never able to use any of it in something that I deemed worthy of being submitted for anyone and everyone to see, and therefore never grew as an artist. 

I still feel the need to create something from time to time. I still have that itch to make something that I can show off, that I can be proud of. But it's just an itch. It never evolves. Or very rarely, at least. I did try to create a new Winamp-skin while back, a year or two ago. I really like that skin-design. It's still in progress, and in safe storage for once, but I just don't know if I'll ever be able to finish it, simply because I don't feel I have the skill needed to create what I actually want. It's frustrating as hell. And the fact that Winamp-skins in general are outdated, doesn't help.

I'm not a writer either. I was gonna say "I'm not a writer anymore either", but then I re-read my written stuff and realized I never actually was a writer. What I have in my gallery there is just awful, it really is. Granted, most of it was written from my then state of mind, which is in no way compatible with my current state of mind, and without adhering to any sort of rules of writing as a sort of rule of my own. But reading it now, as a spectator to my former self, it just... It's not very good. It made sense back then, I guess. And some of the themes still apply to my current life. But I just don't feel any connection to my old self, and I really just find it embarrassing. I'm gonna leave it up, though, because... Well, why not?

But yeah, I'm not a writer. I mean, sure, I write stuff like this. I do it all the time here on my blog. And I guess that makes me a writer of some sort. But I'm not an artsy writer. I can't, and never could, write proper artsy stuff. It's just not my thing, unless I'm in that state of mind. And... Well. I'm still proud of most of my visual stuff, or at least my Winamp-skins. But as I said, all of my written stuff is just embarrasing. That says a lot.

So, yeah. I still very much want to be an artist. But I just don't think I have what it takes. 

Oh well.