: Bursts and breaks. And YouTube.

About two weeks ago I had a sudden burst of energy. I was done dealing with my wisdom tooth, my new computer was finally up and running, I had began doing something I'd been wanting to do for a very long time, making gaming videos, and I just generally felt re-energized. Then about a week ago I had a break caused by something completely unrelated to anything that I was doing at the time, and something that I didn't think I'd have to worry about for quite a while; Money. I'm not gonna go into details about it, but in short; Due to an error in communication somewhere, the type of financial aid I'm supposed to get was stopped in the middle of December, and since then I have only gotten some temporary aid from NAV that is barely a third of what I should have gotten. This was not related to my tax return, it was pure coincidence that it happened at almost the same time. 

I haven't really suffered much directly from it, because of my tax return and the temporary aid from NAV, but this was not supposed to happen, it shouldn't have happened, and it feels like, in the long term, an opportunity to make some progress in my life (in this case, getting a driver's license) has been pushed back. Back when this happened I was told it was just a minor error and should be fixed pretty quickly. But the longer it's been, the more it has chipped away at my driver's license money, and it's been significantly reduced at this point. I definitely do not have enough to finish it at this point. Of course there's still the hope that I'll get a similar tax return again. But that is not a guaranteed thing, and I had really hoped to get as much as possible done on what I had.

It wasn't until today that I found out what had happened, and I was assured that my financial aid would be resumed as soon as possible, maybe as soon as after the weekend, but I have no idea if I'll get back any of the money I've lost during the last month and a half. I was also told today that this won't happen again, that when my financial aid is resumed there are only two things that can take it away again; Either getting a job, or getting on disability. Until either of those things happen (or I win the lottery and become a millionaire, I guess) I shouldn't have to worry about this anymore. I hope that's true. I am so tired of money problems, particularly when it's due to someone else's error.  I envy people who are able to work and have jobs that keep them independent. Well, as independent as you can be, at least.

Well, enough about that.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been making and uploading some gaming videos over on my YouTube channel. I'm still learning how to best do this, and I have no prior experience talking into a microphone when there's no one on the other end while I'm playing games, so the quality of my commentary isn't that good yet. But I hope to keep doing it and make something of it down the road. When I had my "burst of energy" I made a lot of videos in a few days, and I uploaded at least one video a day for a week. So head on over to my channel if you want to check that out. There will be more soon, but at the moment I still don't feel too good, and I'm finally playing through Skyrim for the first time, which is not the kind of game I want to record.

: It's my birthday.

Today is my birthday. I turn 28 today. Hooray for me?

I have a history of a sort of semi-depression around my birthdays, I think since my 18th birthday. Last year I didn't really have that, partially because I went to the Netherlands on that day, so I was pretty distracted by that, but mostly because it was the first birthday of my life that I was in a relationship. We didn't get to spend the day together, because of the trip, but... Either way, I didn't experience any particular depression about it. The three years before that... Well, the first two of those years it didn't hit that hard because I had the sort-of-job at DeltaData. The third it was a bit weird, because I knew that the company was bankrupt and I wouldn't have a sort-of-job anymore at the end of the month.

The main reason why I feel this way bout my birthday is because of the lack of progress in my life. Or maybe I should say the lack of potential for progress? At least I couldn't see the potential for progress. I didn't have a real job, and didn't see it as possible in any way that I could get one (which I still don't). Having the sort-of-job helped a bit, but I knew that I'd never be hired as regular employee. I didn't have a girlfriend, and didn't see it as possible that I'd ever get one. When I finally did, I was doubting the reality of it for a while. Now that it's over I'm sort of back to thinking it won't happen again. At least I'm having a really hard time getting it to happen. Health-wise I was also doing really badly, which was mostly caused by my sleeping disorder. Before I got my diagnosis and meds that actually work (most of the time), I didn't see any potential for improvement there either. I just didn't have the energy to work on it, because of my lack of sleep.

This year I'm not hit that hard by the depression. As mentioned, I still don't see any possibility that I'll ever have a real job. But I have an explanation for why it is the way it is. I can live with that, as long as I'm allowed to, so to speak. I don't have a girlfriend, and my attempts to "fix" that just isn't having an effect. At least it seems that way. But it has happened once. It can happen again. My health is slowly but surely getting better and better. It's the one thing in my life that actually is progressing, and it feels great, it really does. And the fact that I've managed to get my apartment back to a liveable condition during this year also helps quite a bit. 

I don't have a great life. It's really mediocre, in so many ways. But it's getting better. In small ways, a little bit at a time. And that makes me feel a bit better than previous birthdays.


I have no specific plans for today that is related to my birthday. I am going to a party tonight, but that's the wedding party for my aunt and uncle, who got secretly married earlier this summer. So that really makes no room for me to make any plans of my own. Oh well. I'm sure it'll be fun, and I can pretend it's also my party, I guess. I am thinking of having a LAN next weekend, though, which really is better timing anyway as Torchlight II is released (finally!) this Thursday. I know at least Rune is coming. If anyone else wants to come just message me wherever you can find me. Or just leave a comment here.

: My goal in life.

Warning: This post consists mostly of me beating down on myself. I'd prefer it if you just move along if you can't deal with that, or for some reason feel the need to act superior, make fun of it, or beat me down even more.

For the past year I've been thinking a lot on what my goal in life is. A lot of that has to do with my ex asking me that question on several occasions in the time before we broke up. It's a question that I, in my situation, hasn't been able to answer. When you think about having a goal in life, you usually think about stuff like careers, or having children, seeing the world, changing something... Stuff like that. I don't have those goals. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't want any of it, but it's not important to me in that way.

: Nights like these...

Nights like these are the reason why I'll never be able to have a real job.

For about a year and a half now, I've had an official diagnose on my sleep disorder, and medication for it that actually works. Well, it works most of the time. And that's the problem. While the medication works most of the time, the few times that it doesn't work will make it very hard for me to keep a job. On average I'd say that about once every two weeks I wont be able to come in to work, or at least not be able to do my job properly. I had a lot of experience with that when I worked at Delta Data, when I used weaker medication.

While once in two weeks might not seem like much, I never know when it'll "strike". I might sleep normally for a month, then suddenly have two or three sleepless nights in one week. It doesn't matter what I do during the day either. It doesn't matter if I get up at 7am or 3pm. It doesn't matter if I sleep at any point during the day or not. It doesn't matter if I've been physically active or not. I can't imagine any employer wanting someone as unreliable as that as a full-time employee.

Nav, or at least my case-worker there, has recognized this as a real problem, and the last time I had an appointment we talked about me possibly getting some sort of flexi-time employment somewhere. Basically a job I can do when I'm able to, and where it doesn't matter too much that I can't come in on any given day without warning. The problem is; Where the hell can I find something like that? As already mentioned, I can't imagine an employer wanting an employee like that. 

I don't really know what to do about this. I mean, there's nothing more I can do about my sleep. I've tried everything, with no luck. The medication just doesn't work 100% of the time. And I have no idea where to start trying to find a job like that. I like the idea of it, I'd very much like to be able to use my time for something useful when I can, but I just don't see it happening. Unless it's through Nav again somehow, like when I worked at Delta Data. But I doubt they'd want a permanent solution like that. And I don't think I'd want that either, as it probably wouldn't pay very well.

I hate nights like these.... 

: Potential job?

There's some talk about me trying to get some sort of job again. Just like last time it will most likely not be a full-time job, but something through NAV, as that gives me more freedom and flexibility, and also enables me to learn while working. There's one job in particular that I'd like to try to get, as it is one of the few potential places in the area that I think I'd like to work. I might not be able to get that particular job because of the location (both because of problems getting there, and possible restrictions with NAV), and I haven't even contacted them yet, but I hope something can be worked out.

Yesterday I finished my first real "review" on my Eqagames-blog. It would be nice if people gave me some feedback on it, particularly on the structure of the blog. I've already gotten some "constructive(?) criticism" (his words) from my friend Terje, I'd like to hear other peoples opinions as well. It's my first review, so I don't really know what I'm doing. I mean, I've read other reviews and stuff like that, but it's still a bit difficult to structure it in a way that makes sense, and feels natural. I'd also like to hear from others who've played Dungeon Siege 1, if they feel I've forgotten to mention something about this game.