: Chaos and emptiness.

As my Facebook-friends might have noticed, things aren't going too well at the moment. I'm not gonna talk about the actual situation, but I want to talk about the cause behind it.

I have a sleep disorder called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, or DSPS for short. I've talked about it a bit in one of my recent posts, but in short, it means that the time of day when I can actually have a restful sleep is locked to the same time every single day. In my case, it's between ~6am and ~2pm.

I've had this for as long as I can remember, but up until November of last year I had no idea what it actually was or how to deal with it. I tried everything I, and anyone I talked to about it, could think of, and nothing worked. So I couldn't function properly, and was unable to finish school, unable to get a job, unable to keep appointments early in the day, etc. Everything I tried failed because of this, and I gave up. On everything. I didn't care anymore, about anything. All I cared about was getting my social security money somehow, so I could survive, and let the days just... Flow by. Things got a little better after I got some weaker form of the meds I take today, and got a "government sponsored" job, but I had to struggle hard to make it work, and it very often failed.

During all this time I stopped doing anything. I didn't take care of my apartment in any way. I barely got out the door. If I had to go to the store, I hitched a ride with my grandparents, and never thanked them. I had contact with my friends through LANs, which worked out nicely since LANs follow my sleep pattern, but I often wasn't really a part of it, I was just there. The thought of committing suicide struck my mind a few times, but you can read about that later, in another post I'm writing. My point is, I didn't really care about anything anymore.

It's now been a bit over a year since I got out of this hell. I met the wonderful Wenche, and soon after I got the DSPS-diagnosis and new meds. I've changed a lot since then. The problem is, I still have a hell of a lot more to change. Many of those bad habits and thoughts that I acquired back then is still with me, and they're stuck pretty deep. So I end up doing many mistakes because of it. Too many. I can fix all this, though, but it takes time. And I need help.

The absolutely worst part of all of this, though, is that I've completely lost all goals and thoughts about the future. I still am, in many ways, barely holding on, by taking things one day at a time. I'm scared of thinking too far ahead, I'm scared of making plans, because every single plan I've ever made has failed. No exceptions. It came to the point a few years ago, that I could no longer think about the future. Whenever someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, my mind just went blank. There was nothing in the future. It didn't exist, or I didn't exist in it. And the more people asked me about it, the more it changed from just a blank to a sort of dark void, that made me feel ill. Not even when I got the "government sponsored" job, which I loved, did it change, 'cause from day one, in the back of my mind, I "knew" that I'd never be hired as a full-time employee. And it's still like this today.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it -can- be fixed. The only goal I have set for myself at this time is to get in shape. And even that I can barely motivate myself to do. The thought of me getting a real job and keep it is just absurd to me, my mind refuses to believe it's possible. I've just lost all faith in myself, and it's been gone for a very long time.

I guess I should try to get some professional help somehow, but my experiences with that doesn't leave me much hope either...