: My goal in life.

Warning: This post consists mostly of me beating down on myself. I'd prefer it if you just move along if you can't deal with that, or for some reason feel the need to act superior, make fun of it, or beat me down even more.

For the past year I've been thinking a lot on what my goal in life is. A lot of that has to do with my ex asking me that question on several occasions in the time before we broke up. It's a question that I, in my situation, hasn't been able to answer. When you think about having a goal in life, you usually think about stuff like careers, or having children, seeing the world, changing something... Stuff like that. I don't have those goals. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't want any of it, but it's not important to me in that way.

: What happened this Friday.

For no real reason, here's what happened on Friday.

09:58 : Gets an SMS from my brother, asking if I'm awake yet.

10:00 : Alarm rings.

10:00 - 12:00 : Getting ready to leave (eating breakfast, showering, etc).

12:00 : Leaves my apartment.

12:15 : Buys some food for the day and withdraw money for the bus and the play ticket.

12:25 : Bus arrives, there's some delay because of a delivery. Gets on and fills my bus card, thinking I can use it on the next bus as well.

12:40 : Bus finally leaves, 10 minutes late.

13:35 : Bus arrives at Gjøvik.

13:35 - 14:25 : Waiting for the next bus at Gjøvik.

14:25 : Accidentally turns around and sees the bus I'm supposed to get on. If I hadn't, I probably would have missed it, and had to either go back to Dokka or wait another two hours. Gets on it, realizing I can't use my bus card on this bus. I basically wasted 300 NOK earlier, although I can use it at any time, so it's not that bad.

14:30 : Bus leaves.

14:45 : Gets some new directions from Lisa; Instead of getting off the bus at Stubberud, I'm supposed to get off at Feiring church and meet some people at a "gathering place" there.

15:30 : Arrives at Feiring, starts walking up to the church.

15:45 : Arrives at the church, realizes I wasn't supposed to go up there.

15:55 : Starts walking along the road to Feiring Jernverk, hoping I'll get lucky and be able to hitchhike with someone who's going up there.

16:05 : Gets a ride further up the road with a woman who's going all the way up, but she has to stop off at home first. She'll pick me up again later if I haven't been able to hitchhike with someone else.

16:15 : Gets a ride all the way up with a couple of the actors.

16:30 : Arrives at the parking lot, realizing I'd be probably very close to dead if I had walked all the way up, starts walking to Jernverket.

16:45 : Arrives at Jernverket. Gets a message from Lisa; The actors have already started preparing, so I wont be able to meet her until after the play.

16:45 - 19:00 : Sits around waiting, talks to a couple of people, eats a bit. Gets visited by a small lizard while I'm sitting on a bench, before moving over to the area where we're suppose to watch the play. Turns my phone off to save battery.

19:00 : The play starts. Pleasantly surprised by the actual acting, although the play has a bit too much focus on Christianity for my taste. It's a historical play, though, so I guess that's unavoidable.

20:25 : A short break.

20:30 : Turns on my phone to check the time, gets a message that my brother-in-law has tried calling me. Calls him back, telling him I might arrive at Gjøvik two hours later than I had planned, because the play lasts longer than I thought. He says he might send some English speaking people to drive me home..?

20:40 : The play continues.

21:40 : The play finishes. Goes to look for Lisa. Sees her talking with some of the other actors, decides to wait until she's free. Sees that she has noticed me.

21:50 : She starts walking back to where the actors change.

21:55 : Gets a message. She's hurt her foot somehow, says she'll be right back when she's changed.

22:00 : Gets another message. She has left Jernverket because she's hurt her foot worse than she originally thought, has to go somewhere to get the wound cleaned. Very disappointed I was so close, but didn't get to actually meet her.

22:10 : Talks to the woman I hitchhiked with a short while earlier, asking if I can hitch a ride back down. She works there, so says I'll have to wait. Some friends of hers says I can go with them. 

22:20 : Starts walking down, in the opposite direction from where I arrived. 22:40 : Arrives at the parking lot, gets in their car. Passes Stubberud, where I was supposed to get off the bus earlier, and gets driven to Feiring, where I did get off.

22:50 : Arrives as Feiring.

22:50 - 23:50 : Lying down on the bus stop at Feiring. Texting a bit with Lisa, asking what happened. She had managed to step on a nail. Her foot is bandaged, and she's on antibiotics. So, yeah, no wonder she had to leave. Still very disappointed that I didn't get to meet her, though. I also send an SMS to my brother-in-law asking him to please pick me up himself, if possible, I am in no mood to deal with people I don't know.

23:50 : Gets on the bus, 10 minutes late. Eats a bit, then just sits and waits for the bus to arrive, don't want to do anything, just really want to get home at this point.

00:45 : Bus arrives at Gjøvik. Gets in the car with my brother-in-law and some Lithuanian guy. Apparently my brother-in-law's car was behind the gate at the camping lot, which was locked at 23:00, so they had to use the Lithuanian guy's car, which he's not allowed to drive because it has Lithuanian plates.

00:45 - ? : Tells my brother-in-law about my day on the drive to Dokka, leaving the Lithuanian guy out of the conversation as he doesn't speak Norwegian. Oh well.

? : Arrives at home. Vewt.

I'm very glad I was having a LAN this weekend, 'cause my mood got infinitely better when I got back home. I really needed to have people there, 'cause basically nothing had gone right that day. It got my mind off what had happened. The only really good thing is that I got to see Lisa, and she really is beautiful, but it's a lot less than what I wanted to get out of this trip. Hopefully I'll get another chance soon.

Oh, and I got to some exercise as well. =P

: Cut out of my life.

There comes a few times in your life where you have to choose between your own well-being, and your friendship with someone very close to you. A while back I had to make this decision in regards to someone I had been very close with for quite a while, and I decided to go with my own well-being. I decided to cut this person completely out of my life. I deleted her number from my phone, removed her from my friends list on every social site, stopped using MSN because she was the only person I ever really talked to on there... Etc. And I sent her a last message telling her how I felt and why, explaining why I had decided to do this.

My life, and my mood in general, changed drastically after this. I used to talk to this girl a lot, almost every day. We had a lot of good talks, but we also talked about a lot of stuff that was really painful to me. I had a huge crush on this girl, possibly the strongest crush I've ever had, and most certainly the longest. She tried to develop feelings for me in return, she really did, on several occasions, but it just doesn't work that way. In short; I had been "friendzoned", hard.

When we talked about trivial things, it didn't matter much to me, I was just happy to be talking to her. But then there were the times where the subject would change to love or sex, or anything else in that direction, and I'd feel a physical pain run through me. I wanted her more than anyone else, yet I was doomed to a life of being her "relationship councilor", listening to her complain about, and trying to help her with, her love life. Pretty classic case of "friendzoning". And while the first couple of days after I cut her out of my life were riddled with doubt, the sense of peace I experienced after a while of not talking to her or thinking about her, being able to focus on more important and relevant stuff, was surprising. It's probably one of the best things I've done for my mental health this year.

Making this decision wasn't easy, though. First of all; It seemed really unfair to her. She didn't really do anything wrong, she can't help feeling the way she does more than I can. She just wanted to be my friend. I'm the one with the problem, why should I "punish" her to get over it? Second; I really enjoyed a lot of our talks, even the ones that went into painful territory. She was one of the very few people I was able to have long and meaningful conversations with online. I'm very difficult to talk to online, as I have a tendency to just say what I have to say and then just go silent. I guess that's what it is to be an introvert. She managed to get me going, though, and part of me really didn't want to lose that.

In the end, as I've said, I decided to go with my own well-being over both her feelings and the convenience of having someone to actually have long online conversations with. I decided that it wasn't worth dealing with these painful feelings all of the time. And even though she still pops into my mind from time to time, and I start having some doubts as to whether I did the right thing or not, I really think I'm better off with her out of my life.

: Summer-LAN (and more).

This weekend will be interesting.

I'm having a LAN this weekend, from Thursday to Sunday. Not quite sure who'll actually show up yet. The ones I know will come, will probably be here on Thursday. The rest, if they come, will be here sometime on Friday. I hope most of the people I've invited will show up, 'cause it's been a while since I've had a real big LAN, would be nice to have that again. If all the people I've invited (who hasn't already said no) comes, we'll be 8, including me.

On Friday, however, I will be gone most of the day. I hadn't really planned this, I had actually abandoned this plan before I started inviting people to the LAN, because I thought it would be impossible to get there by bus. But it turns out it's a lot easier than I thought, so I'm gonna do it anyway. I'm going to a place called Feiring, more specifically to Feiring Jernverk, to see a play called "Menn av malm, jenter av jern". I'm not really going there for the play (although I'm sure I'll enjoy it); I'm going because the girl I've been talking to for quite a while now is in it, and it's a great chance to finally meet her.

So, I'll be leaving home at about 12 on Friday, and will hopefully be back home at about 23:30 (my brother in law is gonna drive me back, as there are no buses that late). That means that I won't be here when people show up on Friday. But, as I said, a couple of people come on Thursday (and at least one of them will be here all day), so anyone who comes on Friday should still be able to get in.

: Eqamusic: OCRemix favorites!

Just because I'm bored and not feeling too good at the moment (think I ate something I shouldn't have earlier), I've decided to post ten of my favorite tracks from the OCRemix website. In no particular order.

: Summer.

So far this summer I have done next to nothing. I've stayed at home for the last month, not wanting to really go anywhere, and not really having anywhere to go either. I've also been waiting for something, but this something keeps getting postponed, and although I know that it's no ones fault, it gives me the feeling of knocking my head against a wall. A very solid wall. On wheels. Or something. It keeps moving back, but it wont let me through.

Anyway.

Earlier today my mother called, and asked if I wanted to come visit them for a while, at Strømmen. She's heading in this direction tomorrow, and thought maybe she could pick me up before she went home. And as far as I know, absolutely nothing at all will happen around here this week, so I figured why the hell not. At the very least, it'll be a change from just sitting here alone, staring at the screen day in and day out (and occasionally working out). In addition to visiting my mother and her boyfriend, and my sister, I'll also be able to visit my brother, and possibly a couple of friends. So, that'll be good.

Speaking of working out, btw; Progress on the elliptical machine has been very fast. The first couple of times I used it, I felt like I was in a torture machine. I guess I just wasn't used to it yet. I couldn't go very fast, and certainly not for long (with exception of the second day, which I guess was some sort of energy-boost fluke?). It has gotten easier and easier, though, and I've certainly gotten more used to the way I have to move on it. The first times I used it, I felt like I was gonna fall over when I got off, no matter if it had been 5 or 15 minutes. Now I can go 25 minutes and still have my balance intact. But, I'm still only on the lowest resistance level, having attempted a couple of sessions on level 2 (and one very poor attempt at level 3). So I still have a long way to go. And as far as weight loss, which this machine is supposed to be very good for... Well, it did go down a bit. Then it went back up. So, who the fuck knows. At least my general physical condition is getting better, that's ultimately what matters. 

On a very different note; It has now been 7+ months since my ex and I broke up. I can't say that I don't miss her, we did spend more than a year together after all. And she was my first girlfriend. I'm not even gonna use the modifier "real" there, because there really was no one before her. But, I have accepted the fact that I won't get her back, and that she has moved on, quite a while ago. So, what has been bothering me more and more the last couple of months isn't so much that I miss being with her, but more that I miss being with someone. I miss all the things that being with someone I love brings. I miss being close to someone... It really is no fun going to bed every night and have nothing to hold but my duvet. I feel like I'm right back to where I was before I met my ex, except that now I know what I'm missing.

That pretty much sums it up, I guess.

I hope something good happens soon.

But for now, I'm going to my mother place, and will probably be staying there for a while. I have no idea how long. I really hope that I'll have something else to do next week, but that's not up to me. If not, I might just throw a LAN again when I get home. It's been more than month since the last one (which was awesome, btw), so it's about time. I might even invite some more people, but that means that all games that require a constant connection to the internet (like Diablo III) will be basically unplayable, due to my amazingly crappy connection. So, anyone want to come? =P

: Walk of Life

Been quite a while since my last update now. No wonder, as there haven't been a lot going on lately. Mostly just waiting for a couple of things to happen that never happens.

I'm still waiting for the help I was gonna get with properly cleaning my apartment. Apparently, the people they had found to help me are working under the table, or whatever the expression is. Basically they don't pay taxes. And as a governmental department, NAV can't exactly support that. So I don't know what is going on there. Hopefully they figure something out soon. I've come to a point that I'm really just maintaining what I have already done. There's very little actual progress going on here.

The other major thing I'm waiting for is... Private. I just hope it happens soon. =)

As for my working out, I've tried out a few new exercises that I think works fairly well. I've also gotten an elliptical trainer, and that thing is really rough. I've tried using one of those before, but I had forgotten just how hard it is. Tried using it for the first time yesterday, and I could barely do 3x4 minutes. Actually, I couldn't, the second attempt was only 3,5 minutes. They say it's one of the best machines to use for fat-burning, though, so I hope that's true.

I was at the nutritional adviser again today, for my monthly diabetes check-up, and she wasn't very pleased with my sugar levels. She talked to my actual doctor for a few minutes, and they concluded that I should increase my diabetes medication dosage drastically. Up until now I've only taken one in the morning and one before bed. Now I have to take two in the morning, two mid-day, and two before bed. That's three times as much as before. Apparently this will also help with my weight-loss, so... Yeah. I'm crossing my fingers for that. For the next two weeks, though, I'll have to keep a very close eye on my sugar levels, in case it goes too low.

Oh, and the fiber-connection will take longer than expected. Apparently, there's a specific area that will get it first, and I'm just outside that area. They've been around setting up posts in front of all the houses that will get it now, I see them everywhere, but not one in the part of the street that I'm on. I got a letter from Telenor as well, saying that I won't get it until January. So, yeah. Bah. I guess this means that when I have LANs with more than four people, any games that require being connected to the internet will be absolutely lowest priority.

The title this time is from Dire Straits' "Walk of Life".