There comes a few times in your life where you have to choose between your own well-being, and your friendship with someone very close to you. A while back I had to make this decision in regards to someone I had been very close with for quite a while, and I decided to go with my own well-being. I decided to cut this person completely out of my life. I deleted her number from my phone, removed her from my friends list on every social site, stopped using MSN because she was the only person I ever really talked to on there... Etc. And I sent her a last message telling her how I felt and why, explaining why I had decided to do this.
My life, and my mood in general, changed drastically after this. I used to talk to this girl a lot, almost every day. We had a lot of good talks, but we also talked about a lot of stuff that was really painful to me. I had a huge crush on this girl, possibly the strongest crush I've ever had, and most certainly the longest. She tried to develop feelings for me in return, she really did, on several occasions, but it just doesn't work that way. In short; I had been "friendzoned", hard.
When we talked about trivial things, it didn't matter much to me, I was just happy to be talking to her. But then there were the times where the subject would change to love or sex, or anything else in that direction, and I'd feel a physical pain run through me. I wanted her more than anyone else, yet I was doomed to a life of being her "relationship councilor", listening to her complain about, and trying to help her with, her love life. Pretty classic case of "friendzoning". And while the first couple of days after I cut her out of my life were riddled with doubt, the sense of peace I experienced after a while of not talking to her or thinking about her, being able to focus on more important and relevant stuff, was surprising. It's probably one of the best things I've done for my mental health this year.
Making this decision wasn't easy, though. First of all; It seemed really unfair to her. She didn't really do anything wrong, she can't help feeling the way she does more than I can. She just wanted to be my friend. I'm the one with the problem, why should I "punish" her to get over it? Second; I really enjoyed a lot of our talks, even the ones that went into painful territory. She was one of the very few people I was able to have long and meaningful conversations with online. I'm very difficult to talk to online, as I have a tendency to just say what I have to say and then just go silent. I guess that's what it is to be an introvert. She managed to get me going, though, and part of me really didn't want to lose that.
In the end, as I've said, I decided to go with my own well-being over both her feelings and the convenience of having someone to actually have long online conversations with. I decided that it wasn't worth dealing with these painful feelings all of the time. And even though she still pops into my mind from time to time, and I start having some doubts as to whether I did the right thing or not, I really think I'm better off with her out of my life.
My life, and my mood in general, changed drastically after this. I used to talk to this girl a lot, almost every day. We had a lot of good talks, but we also talked about a lot of stuff that was really painful to me. I had a huge crush on this girl, possibly the strongest crush I've ever had, and most certainly the longest. She tried to develop feelings for me in return, she really did, on several occasions, but it just doesn't work that way. In short; I had been "friendzoned", hard.
When we talked about trivial things, it didn't matter much to me, I was just happy to be talking to her. But then there were the times where the subject would change to love or sex, or anything else in that direction, and I'd feel a physical pain run through me. I wanted her more than anyone else, yet I was doomed to a life of being her "relationship councilor", listening to her complain about, and trying to help her with, her love life. Pretty classic case of "friendzoning". And while the first couple of days after I cut her out of my life were riddled with doubt, the sense of peace I experienced after a while of not talking to her or thinking about her, being able to focus on more important and relevant stuff, was surprising. It's probably one of the best things I've done for my mental health this year.
Making this decision wasn't easy, though. First of all; It seemed really unfair to her. She didn't really do anything wrong, she can't help feeling the way she does more than I can. She just wanted to be my friend. I'm the one with the problem, why should I "punish" her to get over it? Second; I really enjoyed a lot of our talks, even the ones that went into painful territory. She was one of the very few people I was able to have long and meaningful conversations with online. I'm very difficult to talk to online, as I have a tendency to just say what I have to say and then just go silent. I guess that's what it is to be an introvert. She managed to get me going, though, and part of me really didn't want to lose that.
In the end, as I've said, I decided to go with my own well-being over both her feelings and the convenience of having someone to actually have long online conversations with. I decided that it wasn't worth dealing with these painful feelings all of the time. And even though she still pops into my mind from time to time, and I start having some doubts as to whether I did the right thing or not, I really think I'm better off with her out of my life.
"I'm the one with the problem, why should I "punish" her to get over it?"
ReplyDeleteI get what you're saying here, but sometimes one just have to do completely selfish things, 'cause that's simply the right thing to do.
I can also certainly see how this sucks BIG TIME, but I'm sure it'll eventually turn out to be a purely good thing. Keep on changing the various parts of your life that need maintenance. I think you're way stronger than you might think yourself. :)
Yeah, it did suck, but it had to be done. P=
DeleteThanks, man. =)
What you've done is essentially a break-up. You decided to "let go" of someone that you love because you know it's for the best. Yeah it sucks and you're filled with loneliness and doubt and all that shit for a while, but then it does get better, and you're able to refocus. I think it's great that you've done this.
ReplyDeleteHuh. Didn't look at it that way.
DeleteYeah, it didn't take long before I was able to refocus on someone that I might actually have a chance with. I don't know if I would've been able to do that to the extent I have if she was still a part of my life.
Thanks. =)