About two weeks ago I had a sudden burst of energy. I was done dealing with my wisdom tooth, my new computer was finally up and running, I had began doing something I'd been wanting to do for a very long time, making gaming videos, and I just generally felt re-energized. Then about a week ago I had a break caused by something completely unrelated to anything that I was doing at the time, and something that I didn't think I'd have to worry about for quite a while; Money. I'm not gonna go into details about it, but in short; Due to an error in communication somewhere, the type of financial aid I'm supposed to get was stopped in the middle of December, and since then I have only gotten some temporary aid from NAV that is barely a third of what I should have gotten. This was not related to my tax return, it was pure coincidence that it happened at almost the same time.
I haven't really suffered much directly from it, because of my tax return and the temporary aid from NAV, but this was not supposed to happen, it shouldn't have happened, and it feels like, in the long term, an opportunity to make some progress in my life (in this case, getting a driver's license) has been pushed back. Back when this happened I was told it was just a minor error and should be fixed pretty quickly. But the longer it's been, the more it has chipped away at my driver's license money, and it's been significantly reduced at this point. I definitely do not have enough to finish it at this point. Of course there's still the hope that I'll get a similar tax return again. But that is not a guaranteed thing, and I had really hoped to get as much as possible done on what I had.
It wasn't until today that I found out what had happened, and I was assured that my financial aid would be resumed as soon as possible, maybe as soon as after the weekend, but I have no idea if I'll get back any of the money I've lost during the last month and a half. I was also told today that this won't happen again, that when my financial aid is resumed there are only two things that can take it away again; Either getting a job, or getting on disability. Until either of those things happen (or I win the lottery and become a millionaire, I guess) I shouldn't have to worry about this anymore. I hope that's true. I am so tired of money problems, particularly when it's due to someone else's error. I envy people who are able to work and have jobs that keep them independent. Well, as independent as you can be, at least.
Well, enough about that.
As I mentioned earlier, I have been making and uploading some gaming videos over on my YouTube channel. I'm still learning how to best do this, and I have no prior experience talking into a microphone when there's no one on the other end while I'm playing games, so the quality of my commentary isn't that good yet. But I hope to keep doing it and make something of it down the road. When I had my "burst of energy" I made a lot of videos in a few days, and I uploaded at least one video a day for a week. So head on over to my channel if you want to check that out. There will be more soon, but at the moment I still don't feel too good, and I'm finally playing through Skyrim for the first time, which is not the kind of game I want to record.
Showing posts with label mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mind. Show all posts
Friday, February 1, 2013
Saturday, December 22, 2012
: The past two weeks + Christmas
The past two weeks have been quite interesting, actually.
Last Monday: I finally got my fiber-connection! I was up at midnight because I was watching NASL4 (Starcraft II), and I was a bit distracted by that so I forgot to check exactly at midnight as I had planned (just for fun). But at about 1pm I started hooking stuff up, and, after a bit of messing around with something that didn't quite get set up right because I misunderstood it, it actually worked. Of course, the first thing I did was put it to the test, and started a bunch of downloads while still watching the NASL4 stream. I think my download speed in total was about 3MB/s, and the stream was still going with no interruptions. The stream was only in 480p, because I wasn't subscribed, but still. It's fucking awesome! =D
Saturday: The rest of the week wasn't very eventful, just me enjoying the fast connection, then on Saturday was Yrjan's 30th birthday party. The day was pretty awesome over all. We started off at Peppes, as suggested by Hallgeir. I think there were 15 of us in total there. Hallgeir, Shawna, Rune, Terje and me at one end of the table, and Yrjan's family at the other end, with Yrjan and Tonje in the middle. Hallgeir, Rune and me did our usual thing, of course. While everyone else just ordered something simple from the menu, we did our usual "Über Complicated Order Process (TM)", creating our own monster-pizzas. The guy who took our order was actually laughing at the end because of how ridiculous it was. =P
After Peppes we went directly up to Huset, to where the party was gonna be. There was still quite some time left before the party was actually supposed to start when we got there, but we passed the time by playing with balloons. Yay! The party itself was actually quite fun. As probably everyone who knows me even remotely know, I'm not a party person. I don't drink, and I don't like drunk people. I don't dance, and I don't really "let go". But I still had a lot of fun just being with people, and enjoying the music. That's pretty much all I really did all night. The party was cut a bit short, though, which unfortunately meant that Yrjan's Hardcore-medley wasn't played. Oh well. He made it available to us the next day, so at least we can listen to it anyway.
Part of the reason why it was cut short was because one of us got way too drunk. Not the kind of way too drunk that he started causing trouble, fortunately. But it was still pretty bad. I think the security-guy threw him out, but I'm not sure. Whatever the case, he started walking around aimlessly, and ended up being picked up by the police who escorted him back to Huset and told us that he was not capable of taking care of himself. So we decided that, even though there was technically still an hour and half left of the party, it was best to take him back home. And as everything had sort of died down, I guess partially because everyone was worried about this guy, Yrjan decided there was no point in keeping the party going.
The ride home was weird. This guy was so out of it he couldn't really sit up, so I sat behind him and held him up most of the way, so he wouldn't lean on Rune who was driving. Then when we got back to Dokka we ended up sitting with him for, I think, about an hour, to make sure he was okay. When I talked to him a couple of days later he couldn't really remember anything that had happened. Weird.
And yes, I have intentionally avoided mentioning his name.
Sunday: Saturday was also my grandmother's 70th birthday, but she had decided to celebrate it on Sunday. There's really not too much to say about this day, really, but I did spend most of it at their place, with them, my aunt's family and my uncle's family. It was a pretty good day. =)
As you might know, if you've read my previous entry, it didn't end so good. After I got home I had a sort of breakdown, and ended up writing that thing. Part of me wants to go delete it, but... I don't know. I get like that some times, and this time I was able to get it out. In a way. So, yeah. I think I'm gonna keep it there. I just want to say, though, that I don't feel like that all of the time. I feel lonely most of the time, but not that... Extreme.
Monday: When I left the house on Monday, I had planned to only be away for a couple of hours. That didn't really happen. I started off going to an appointment I had with a kind of personal trainer type lady. I had been there once before, but all we did then was talk about my situation, my condition, and my illnesses. This time we went over different exercises, setting up a program for me, one that I can do at home, or just about anywhere. Most of the exercises are ones I've tried before, but with her instructions I discovered that I had done almost all of them wrong in one way or the other. They all felt so much better doing them how she told me. The only exercise I had done right is one that I feel it's difficult to do wrong; Push-ups. She was actually impressed by how good I did them, so hey.
When I was done, I went to my grandparents. Their fiber-connection was getting activated that day, and I had to set everything up for them. I figured that because I had already set up my own only a week earlier, I could do this pretty quickly. But... It wasn't that simple. I set everything up the exact same way I had done here, without doing the same mistakes I did here, and everything appeared to be working... Except it didn't. I went over everything several times, and couldn't find a single fault in how it was set up. So I had to call Telenor's fiber-support. Turns out the problem was on their end. I'm not quite sure what was wrong, but the guy did something and suddenly everything worked. So, yay for that, or something.
Not too long after that was fixed, Thor Idar called me. He lives next door to my grandparents, and he couldn't get his fiber-connection up and running either. So I went over there, looked over what he had done and fixed what he had done wrong (in his defense, they had gotten the fiber-modem a lot earlier than everyone else, because their old one was broken, and he couldn't find the manual for it). And of course, it still didn't work. So he had to call Telenor as well. I'm convinced the error was the same as at my grandparents, but the guy Thor was talking to couldn't figure it out, even though I explained what the guy I talked to had said (something about reactivating the connection). So the call ended without anything being fixed, he just said that they'd "look into it". A while later he got a call back, and just as he picked up I looked over at the modem and all the right lights were lit. So, yay for that too.
I stayed at Thor's place for quite a while after that, until about 10pm I think. We watched some Starcraft2 streams and VoDs, and just talked about random stuff. Which is something that I don't think I've done with him before, come to think of it, not like that. Rune and I have days like that quite often, but I've never really had that close of a connection with Thor. I really don't know why, because he's a really great guy. =)
The rest of this week I haven't done much. I've mostly been sitting here at home. Monday night was a terrible night, for no good reason. I went to bed a couple of hours after I got back from Thor's place, so at about midnight. But about three and half hour later I woke up feeling like I hadn't really slept. And I could sort of remember going in and out of sleep all that time, kind of like when you have fever dreams. It was really weird. I couldn't fall asleep again either, so I got up and stayed up until about 10am, then I finally go a few hours of real sleep. But I was completely knocked out for the rest of the day when I got back up. Since then I haven't done much.
Plans for Christmas: First of all, I have decided that I'm not gonna bother with any weight loss stuff during Christmas. I'm gonna do what I can to stay where I am, and not go crazy on the candy and stuff like that, but I'm just gonna skip working out completely. I don't have the energy for that anyway. When Christmas and new years is over, then I'm gonna try to get back on it.
On Christmas Eve I'm gonna be at my grandparents. I can't remember the last time I was there on Christmas Eve, but it's been quite a few years. When my dad was still alive, we used to alternate between being at his place or moms place. Then after he passed away I've spent every Christmas Eve with mom. This year, however, mom has decided to run away from Christmas. Basically, she decided that Christmas Eve without any small children (everyone has other plans) was a bit too sad, so she and her boyfriend are in Gran Canaria right now. And I don't really blame her. I think I was the only one who would've been with them if they've stayed here, so... Yeah. I wasn't looking too much forward to that either. At least there will be more people at my grandparents place, as my aunt's family will be there too.
Some time after Christmas Eve I will have a LAN. I haven't really set a date for it, because it wasn't really planned. Or... I had planned to throw a LAN, but then Marius and Veronica beat me to it. And I had originally planned to go to their LAN. The problem is, they live 15 minutes, by car, away from everything. And since I don't have a car of my own I can't get up there, or back down, own my own, nor do I have anyone I can trust to help me with it when I want or need it. I have nothing against neither them nor being at their place, but it makes me feel a bit trapped because it's so far away from everything. Hopefully I can change that before next year, but I'll talk about that a bit further down.
So, there will be one LAN down here at my place, and another LAN at their place. Not an optimal solution, but it'll have to do. The ones who are coming here are Rune, Yrjan and Thor Idar. Yrjan and Thor for the same reason as me, I think, as they're both still without a driver's license even though they're both very close, and Rune because... Well, it's not my place to say. Or something. So, yeah. There are room for more people here, so if anyone else wants to come just ask. =)
Next year: Back in September I was told that because of the type of financial support I'm getting, I can get back most, maybe all, of the "income tax" I pay off of it. So I sent a complaint to Skatteetaten back then, and last week I finally got a letter from them. It said that my complaint had gone through, and that I would get money back. It didn't say how much, though, so I'm not making any concrete plans yet. But if I get anywhere near what my dads cousin got, she was the one who told me about it, then I have decided to finally start working on my driver's license, for real. I did have a couple of lessons back in 2006, but I can barely remember any of it. Because I was still suffering rather severely from my sleeping disorder back then, I wasn't able to continue them. Also, my mom was paying for it back then, and her economy wasn't the greatest.
For the longest time, I flat out didn't want to get a driver's license. The thought of getting behind the wheel of a car and be responsible for what happened scared the life out of me, and actually still do. But the past few years it's become more and more of a pain that I don't have it, and during the past year and a half it's been really frustrating on several occasions. But in my situation there hasn't been any opportunities to get started on it. There's no way to get financial support from the state, unless you're a single mother living in no-mans-land or possibly if you only need a little bot of help to get finished. I don't have any relatives who can afford paying it for me. And I have no means of saving up the money on my own when I am unable to have a normal job. The only way I could get that amount of money is by winning it. And... Yeah. That's not gonna happen.
Anyway. I still don't know how much I'll get, so I'll have to wait and see. And, referring to the statement above about hoping to "change that before next year", even if I do get enough, I don't know how long getting the license will take, particularly considering I have to start from scratch. So I don't know if I'll have a driver's license before next years New Years LAN. But I hope I will.
I do have a second plan with that money, if I get the amount I hope for. Before starting the driver's license I'm gonna get myself a new desktop computer. My laptop is ok, but it overheats like crazy, and my old desktop is a pile of junk. And I know what you're thinking; Wouldn't it be smart to finish the driver's license before wasting the money on other stuff? And you're probably right. But. If I get that amount of money, then I'll surely get about the same amount again when it's time for the next tax return, because I've had the same type of financial support. And now that I know about it, I can hopefully fix it in time, and not have to send a complaint several months later to get it fixed.
So yeah. That's one thing next year hopefully will bring. But I still have to wait and see exactly how much I do get, so... Yeah.
Aaaand... That's the end of this way too long blog post. Now I gotta go sleep.
Last Monday: I finally got my fiber-connection! I was up at midnight because I was watching NASL4 (Starcraft II), and I was a bit distracted by that so I forgot to check exactly at midnight as I had planned (just for fun). But at about 1pm I started hooking stuff up, and, after a bit of messing around with something that didn't quite get set up right because I misunderstood it, it actually worked. Of course, the first thing I did was put it to the test, and started a bunch of downloads while still watching the NASL4 stream. I think my download speed in total was about 3MB/s, and the stream was still going with no interruptions. The stream was only in 480p, because I wasn't subscribed, but still. It's fucking awesome! =D
Saturday: The rest of the week wasn't very eventful, just me enjoying the fast connection, then on Saturday was Yrjan's 30th birthday party. The day was pretty awesome over all. We started off at Peppes, as suggested by Hallgeir. I think there were 15 of us in total there. Hallgeir, Shawna, Rune, Terje and me at one end of the table, and Yrjan's family at the other end, with Yrjan and Tonje in the middle. Hallgeir, Rune and me did our usual thing, of course. While everyone else just ordered something simple from the menu, we did our usual "Über Complicated Order Process (TM)", creating our own monster-pizzas. The guy who took our order was actually laughing at the end because of how ridiculous it was. =P
After Peppes we went directly up to Huset, to where the party was gonna be. There was still quite some time left before the party was actually supposed to start when we got there, but we passed the time by playing with balloons. Yay! The party itself was actually quite fun. As probably everyone who knows me even remotely know, I'm not a party person. I don't drink, and I don't like drunk people. I don't dance, and I don't really "let go". But I still had a lot of fun just being with people, and enjoying the music. That's pretty much all I really did all night. The party was cut a bit short, though, which unfortunately meant that Yrjan's Hardcore-medley wasn't played. Oh well. He made it available to us the next day, so at least we can listen to it anyway.
Part of the reason why it was cut short was because one of us got way too drunk. Not the kind of way too drunk that he started causing trouble, fortunately. But it was still pretty bad. I think the security-guy threw him out, but I'm not sure. Whatever the case, he started walking around aimlessly, and ended up being picked up by the police who escorted him back to Huset and told us that he was not capable of taking care of himself. So we decided that, even though there was technically still an hour and half left of the party, it was best to take him back home. And as everything had sort of died down, I guess partially because everyone was worried about this guy, Yrjan decided there was no point in keeping the party going.
The ride home was weird. This guy was so out of it he couldn't really sit up, so I sat behind him and held him up most of the way, so he wouldn't lean on Rune who was driving. Then when we got back to Dokka we ended up sitting with him for, I think, about an hour, to make sure he was okay. When I talked to him a couple of days later he couldn't really remember anything that had happened. Weird.
And yes, I have intentionally avoided mentioning his name.
Sunday: Saturday was also my grandmother's 70th birthday, but she had decided to celebrate it on Sunday. There's really not too much to say about this day, really, but I did spend most of it at their place, with them, my aunt's family and my uncle's family. It was a pretty good day. =)
As you might know, if you've read my previous entry, it didn't end so good. After I got home I had a sort of breakdown, and ended up writing that thing. Part of me wants to go delete it, but... I don't know. I get like that some times, and this time I was able to get it out. In a way. So, yeah. I think I'm gonna keep it there. I just want to say, though, that I don't feel like that all of the time. I feel lonely most of the time, but not that... Extreme.
Monday: When I left the house on Monday, I had planned to only be away for a couple of hours. That didn't really happen. I started off going to an appointment I had with a kind of personal trainer type lady. I had been there once before, but all we did then was talk about my situation, my condition, and my illnesses. This time we went over different exercises, setting up a program for me, one that I can do at home, or just about anywhere. Most of the exercises are ones I've tried before, but with her instructions I discovered that I had done almost all of them wrong in one way or the other. They all felt so much better doing them how she told me. The only exercise I had done right is one that I feel it's difficult to do wrong; Push-ups. She was actually impressed by how good I did them, so hey.
When I was done, I went to my grandparents. Their fiber-connection was getting activated that day, and I had to set everything up for them. I figured that because I had already set up my own only a week earlier, I could do this pretty quickly. But... It wasn't that simple. I set everything up the exact same way I had done here, without doing the same mistakes I did here, and everything appeared to be working... Except it didn't. I went over everything several times, and couldn't find a single fault in how it was set up. So I had to call Telenor's fiber-support. Turns out the problem was on their end. I'm not quite sure what was wrong, but the guy did something and suddenly everything worked. So, yay for that, or something.
Not too long after that was fixed, Thor Idar called me. He lives next door to my grandparents, and he couldn't get his fiber-connection up and running either. So I went over there, looked over what he had done and fixed what he had done wrong (in his defense, they had gotten the fiber-modem a lot earlier than everyone else, because their old one was broken, and he couldn't find the manual for it). And of course, it still didn't work. So he had to call Telenor as well. I'm convinced the error was the same as at my grandparents, but the guy Thor was talking to couldn't figure it out, even though I explained what the guy I talked to had said (something about reactivating the connection). So the call ended without anything being fixed, he just said that they'd "look into it". A while later he got a call back, and just as he picked up I looked over at the modem and all the right lights were lit. So, yay for that too.
I stayed at Thor's place for quite a while after that, until about 10pm I think. We watched some Starcraft2 streams and VoDs, and just talked about random stuff. Which is something that I don't think I've done with him before, come to think of it, not like that. Rune and I have days like that quite often, but I've never really had that close of a connection with Thor. I really don't know why, because he's a really great guy. =)
The rest of this week I haven't done much. I've mostly been sitting here at home. Monday night was a terrible night, for no good reason. I went to bed a couple of hours after I got back from Thor's place, so at about midnight. But about three and half hour later I woke up feeling like I hadn't really slept. And I could sort of remember going in and out of sleep all that time, kind of like when you have fever dreams. It was really weird. I couldn't fall asleep again either, so I got up and stayed up until about 10am, then I finally go a few hours of real sleep. But I was completely knocked out for the rest of the day when I got back up. Since then I haven't done much.
Plans for Christmas: First of all, I have decided that I'm not gonna bother with any weight loss stuff during Christmas. I'm gonna do what I can to stay where I am, and not go crazy on the candy and stuff like that, but I'm just gonna skip working out completely. I don't have the energy for that anyway. When Christmas and new years is over, then I'm gonna try to get back on it.
On Christmas Eve I'm gonna be at my grandparents. I can't remember the last time I was there on Christmas Eve, but it's been quite a few years. When my dad was still alive, we used to alternate between being at his place or moms place. Then after he passed away I've spent every Christmas Eve with mom. This year, however, mom has decided to run away from Christmas. Basically, she decided that Christmas Eve without any small children (everyone has other plans) was a bit too sad, so she and her boyfriend are in Gran Canaria right now. And I don't really blame her. I think I was the only one who would've been with them if they've stayed here, so... Yeah. I wasn't looking too much forward to that either. At least there will be more people at my grandparents place, as my aunt's family will be there too.
Some time after Christmas Eve I will have a LAN. I haven't really set a date for it, because it wasn't really planned. Or... I had planned to throw a LAN, but then Marius and Veronica beat me to it. And I had originally planned to go to their LAN. The problem is, they live 15 minutes, by car, away from everything. And since I don't have a car of my own I can't get up there, or back down, own my own, nor do I have anyone I can trust to help me with it when I want or need it. I have nothing against neither them nor being at their place, but it makes me feel a bit trapped because it's so far away from everything. Hopefully I can change that before next year, but I'll talk about that a bit further down.
So, there will be one LAN down here at my place, and another LAN at their place. Not an optimal solution, but it'll have to do. The ones who are coming here are Rune, Yrjan and Thor Idar. Yrjan and Thor for the same reason as me, I think, as they're both still without a driver's license even though they're both very close, and Rune because... Well, it's not my place to say. Or something. So, yeah. There are room for more people here, so if anyone else wants to come just ask. =)
Next year: Back in September I was told that because of the type of financial support I'm getting, I can get back most, maybe all, of the "income tax" I pay off of it. So I sent a complaint to Skatteetaten back then, and last week I finally got a letter from them. It said that my complaint had gone through, and that I would get money back. It didn't say how much, though, so I'm not making any concrete plans yet. But if I get anywhere near what my dads cousin got, she was the one who told me about it, then I have decided to finally start working on my driver's license, for real. I did have a couple of lessons back in 2006, but I can barely remember any of it. Because I was still suffering rather severely from my sleeping disorder back then, I wasn't able to continue them. Also, my mom was paying for it back then, and her economy wasn't the greatest.
For the longest time, I flat out didn't want to get a driver's license. The thought of getting behind the wheel of a car and be responsible for what happened scared the life out of me, and actually still do. But the past few years it's become more and more of a pain that I don't have it, and during the past year and a half it's been really frustrating on several occasions. But in my situation there hasn't been any opportunities to get started on it. There's no way to get financial support from the state, unless you're a single mother living in no-mans-land or possibly if you only need a little bot of help to get finished. I don't have any relatives who can afford paying it for me. And I have no means of saving up the money on my own when I am unable to have a normal job. The only way I could get that amount of money is by winning it. And... Yeah. That's not gonna happen.
Anyway. I still don't know how much I'll get, so I'll have to wait and see. And, referring to the statement above about hoping to "change that before next year", even if I do get enough, I don't know how long getting the license will take, particularly considering I have to start from scratch. So I don't know if I'll have a driver's license before next years New Years LAN. But I hope I will.
I do have a second plan with that money, if I get the amount I hope for. Before starting the driver's license I'm gonna get myself a new desktop computer. My laptop is ok, but it overheats like crazy, and my old desktop is a pile of junk. And I know what you're thinking; Wouldn't it be smart to finish the driver's license before wasting the money on other stuff? And you're probably right. But. If I get that amount of money, then I'll surely get about the same amount again when it's time for the next tax return, because I've had the same type of financial support. And now that I know about it, I can hopefully fix it in time, and not have to send a complaint several months later to get it fixed.
So yeah. That's one thing next year hopefully will bring. But I still have to wait and see exactly how much I do get, so... Yeah.
Aaaand... That's the end of this way too long blog post. Now I gotta go sleep.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
: Lonely bastard.
I am at a loss for what to do. The way I am, the way I work, the things I do and don't do, makes it very difficult for me to meet someone. I don't go to places where it would be likely I'd meet new people, like parties, clubs, bars... And I honestly don't think I'd find someone I'd want in those kind of places anyway. I mean, I don't have anything against that stuff, but it just isn't for me. I'm not the type of guy that is able to go up to someone unknown and initiate a conversation either, particularly not if I find them attractive. Unless of course there's some sort of other purpose to why I'd initiate a conversation with them, and then I'd just get that over with and leave. I'm just very awkward in both of those kind of situations.
And then there's dating sites... They just don't work. At least not for me. I have neither the looks nor am I interesting enough for anyone to looks twice. These type of sites are very much based around first impressions, and I really don't make a good one. And then there's the fact that most of these sites, the allegedly good ones, cost money, which I don't have. And even if I did I wouldn't pay. Because... They don't work. For me.
So, yeah... I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go, how to start, what to say, how to act... I just don't know. It's frustrating. Some people say that I should just let it go, that it will happen when it happens. I don't believe that. At least not in my situation. Unless I find some way to make something happen, nothing will ever happen. But I don't know how to make something happen. I also can't let it go. Every freaking night when I go to bed, I lie awake for quite a while not being able to think about anything other than how much I miss having someone next to me. I just really want to have that back.
And that's how things are right now, for me. I'm a lonely bastard with a negative outlook on just about everything related to love. I want it, but I can't have it. And I don't know how to fix that. I guess I could ask for help, from someone, but I don't know who I should ask, or even what kind of help it is I want. So I guess the purpose of this post, other than to vent, is to... Ask for help. Whatever you can offer, from whoever believes they can offer some.
Help.
And then there's dating sites... They just don't work. At least not for me. I have neither the looks nor am I interesting enough for anyone to looks twice. These type of sites are very much based around first impressions, and I really don't make a good one. And then there's the fact that most of these sites, the allegedly good ones, cost money, which I don't have. And even if I did I wouldn't pay. Because... They don't work. For me.
So, yeah... I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go, how to start, what to say, how to act... I just don't know. It's frustrating. Some people say that I should just let it go, that it will happen when it happens. I don't believe that. At least not in my situation. Unless I find some way to make something happen, nothing will ever happen. But I don't know how to make something happen. I also can't let it go. Every freaking night when I go to bed, I lie awake for quite a while not being able to think about anything other than how much I miss having someone next to me. I just really want to have that back.
And that's how things are right now, for me. I'm a lonely bastard with a negative outlook on just about everything related to love. I want it, but I can't have it. And I don't know how to fix that. I guess I could ask for help, from someone, but I don't know who I should ask, or even what kind of help it is I want. So I guess the purpose of this post, other than to vent, is to... Ask for help. Whatever you can offer, from whoever believes they can offer some.
Help.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
: It's my birthday.
Today is my birthday. I turn 28 today. Hooray for me?
I have a history of a sort of semi-depression around my birthdays, I think since my 18th birthday. Last year I didn't really have that, partially because I went to the Netherlands on that day, so I was pretty distracted by that, but mostly because it was the first birthday of my life that I was in a relationship. We didn't get to spend the day together, because of the trip, but... Either way, I didn't experience any particular depression about it. The three years before that... Well, the first two of those years it didn't hit that hard because I had the sort-of-job at DeltaData. The third it was a bit weird, because I knew that the company was bankrupt and I wouldn't have a sort-of-job anymore at the end of the month.
The main reason why I feel this way bout my birthday is because of the lack of progress in my life. Or maybe I should say the lack of potential for progress? At least I couldn't see the potential for progress. I didn't have a real job, and didn't see it as possible in any way that I could get one (which I still don't). Having the sort-of-job helped a bit, but I knew that I'd never be hired as regular employee. I didn't have a girlfriend, and didn't see it as possible that I'd ever get one. When I finally did, I was doubting the reality of it for a while. Now that it's over I'm sort of back to thinking it won't happen again. At least I'm having a really hard time getting it to happen. Health-wise I was also doing really badly, which was mostly caused by my sleeping disorder. Before I got my diagnosis and meds that actually work (most of the time), I didn't see any potential for improvement there either. I just didn't have the energy to work on it, because of my lack of sleep.
This year I'm not hit that hard by the depression. As mentioned, I still don't see any possibility that I'll ever have a real job. But I have an explanation for why it is the way it is. I can live with that, as long as I'm allowed to, so to speak. I don't have a girlfriend, and my attempts to "fix" that just isn't having an effect. At least it seems that way. But it has happened once. It can happen again. My health is slowly but surely getting better and better. It's the one thing in my life that actually is progressing, and it feels great, it really does. And the fact that I've managed to get my apartment back to a liveable condition during this year also helps quite a bit.
I don't have a great life. It's really mediocre, in so many ways. But it's getting better. In small ways, a little bit at a time. And that makes me feel a bit better than previous birthdays.
I have no specific plans for today that is related to my birthday. I am going to a party tonight, but that's the wedding party for my aunt and uncle, who got secretly married earlier this summer. So that really makes no room for me to make any plans of my own. Oh well. I'm sure it'll be fun, and I can pretend it's also my party, I guess. I am thinking of having a LAN next weekend, though, which really is better timing anyway as Torchlight II is released (finally!) this Thursday. I know at least Rune is coming. If anyone else wants to come just message me wherever you can find me. Or just leave a comment here.
I have a history of a sort of semi-depression around my birthdays, I think since my 18th birthday. Last year I didn't really have that, partially because I went to the Netherlands on that day, so I was pretty distracted by that, but mostly because it was the first birthday of my life that I was in a relationship. We didn't get to spend the day together, because of the trip, but... Either way, I didn't experience any particular depression about it. The three years before that... Well, the first two of those years it didn't hit that hard because I had the sort-of-job at DeltaData. The third it was a bit weird, because I knew that the company was bankrupt and I wouldn't have a sort-of-job anymore at the end of the month.
The main reason why I feel this way bout my birthday is because of the lack of progress in my life. Or maybe I should say the lack of potential for progress? At least I couldn't see the potential for progress. I didn't have a real job, and didn't see it as possible in any way that I could get one (which I still don't). Having the sort-of-job helped a bit, but I knew that I'd never be hired as regular employee. I didn't have a girlfriend, and didn't see it as possible that I'd ever get one. When I finally did, I was doubting the reality of it for a while. Now that it's over I'm sort of back to thinking it won't happen again. At least I'm having a really hard time getting it to happen. Health-wise I was also doing really badly, which was mostly caused by my sleeping disorder. Before I got my diagnosis and meds that actually work (most of the time), I didn't see any potential for improvement there either. I just didn't have the energy to work on it, because of my lack of sleep.
This year I'm not hit that hard by the depression. As mentioned, I still don't see any possibility that I'll ever have a real job. But I have an explanation for why it is the way it is. I can live with that, as long as I'm allowed to, so to speak. I don't have a girlfriend, and my attempts to "fix" that just isn't having an effect. At least it seems that way. But it has happened once. It can happen again. My health is slowly but surely getting better and better. It's the one thing in my life that actually is progressing, and it feels great, it really does. And the fact that I've managed to get my apartment back to a liveable condition during this year also helps quite a bit.
I don't have a great life. It's really mediocre, in so many ways. But it's getting better. In small ways, a little bit at a time. And that makes me feel a bit better than previous birthdays.
I have no specific plans for today that is related to my birthday. I am going to a party tonight, but that's the wedding party for my aunt and uncle, who got secretly married earlier this summer. So that really makes no room for me to make any plans of my own. Oh well. I'm sure it'll be fun, and I can pretend it's also my party, I guess. I am thinking of having a LAN next weekend, though, which really is better timing anyway as Torchlight II is released (finally!) this Thursday. I know at least Rune is coming. If anyone else wants to come just message me wherever you can find me. Or just leave a comment here.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
: Cut out of my life.
There comes a few times in your life where you have to choose between your own well-being, and your friendship with someone very close to you. A while back I had to make this decision in regards to someone I had been very close with for quite a while, and I decided to go with my own well-being. I decided to cut this person completely out of my life. I deleted her number from my phone, removed her from my friends list on every social site, stopped using MSN because she was the only person I ever really talked to on there... Etc. And I sent her a last message telling her how I felt and why, explaining why I had decided to do this.
My life, and my mood in general, changed drastically after this. I used to talk to this girl a lot, almost every day. We had a lot of good talks, but we also talked about a lot of stuff that was really painful to me. I had a huge crush on this girl, possibly the strongest crush I've ever had, and most certainly the longest. She tried to develop feelings for me in return, she really did, on several occasions, but it just doesn't work that way. In short; I had been "friendzoned", hard.
When we talked about trivial things, it didn't matter much to me, I was just happy to be talking to her. But then there were the times where the subject would change to love or sex, or anything else in that direction, and I'd feel a physical pain run through me. I wanted her more than anyone else, yet I was doomed to a life of being her "relationship councilor", listening to her complain about, and trying to help her with, her love life. Pretty classic case of "friendzoning". And while the first couple of days after I cut her out of my life were riddled with doubt, the sense of peace I experienced after a while of not talking to her or thinking about her, being able to focus on more important and relevant stuff, was surprising. It's probably one of the best things I've done for my mental health this year.
Making this decision wasn't easy, though. First of all; It seemed really unfair to her. She didn't really do anything wrong, she can't help feeling the way she does more than I can. She just wanted to be my friend. I'm the one with the problem, why should I "punish" her to get over it? Second; I really enjoyed a lot of our talks, even the ones that went into painful territory. She was one of the very few people I was able to have long and meaningful conversations with online. I'm very difficult to talk to online, as I have a tendency to just say what I have to say and then just go silent. I guess that's what it is to be an introvert. She managed to get me going, though, and part of me really didn't want to lose that.
In the end, as I've said, I decided to go with my own well-being over both her feelings and the convenience of having someone to actually have long online conversations with. I decided that it wasn't worth dealing with these painful feelings all of the time. And even though she still pops into my mind from time to time, and I start having some doubts as to whether I did the right thing or not, I really think I'm better off with her out of my life.
My life, and my mood in general, changed drastically after this. I used to talk to this girl a lot, almost every day. We had a lot of good talks, but we also talked about a lot of stuff that was really painful to me. I had a huge crush on this girl, possibly the strongest crush I've ever had, and most certainly the longest. She tried to develop feelings for me in return, she really did, on several occasions, but it just doesn't work that way. In short; I had been "friendzoned", hard.
When we talked about trivial things, it didn't matter much to me, I was just happy to be talking to her. But then there were the times where the subject would change to love or sex, or anything else in that direction, and I'd feel a physical pain run through me. I wanted her more than anyone else, yet I was doomed to a life of being her "relationship councilor", listening to her complain about, and trying to help her with, her love life. Pretty classic case of "friendzoning". And while the first couple of days after I cut her out of my life were riddled with doubt, the sense of peace I experienced after a while of not talking to her or thinking about her, being able to focus on more important and relevant stuff, was surprising. It's probably one of the best things I've done for my mental health this year.
Making this decision wasn't easy, though. First of all; It seemed really unfair to her. She didn't really do anything wrong, she can't help feeling the way she does more than I can. She just wanted to be my friend. I'm the one with the problem, why should I "punish" her to get over it? Second; I really enjoyed a lot of our talks, even the ones that went into painful territory. She was one of the very few people I was able to have long and meaningful conversations with online. I'm very difficult to talk to online, as I have a tendency to just say what I have to say and then just go silent. I guess that's what it is to be an introvert. She managed to get me going, though, and part of me really didn't want to lose that.
In the end, as I've said, I decided to go with my own well-being over both her feelings and the convenience of having someone to actually have long online conversations with. I decided that it wasn't worth dealing with these painful feelings all of the time. And even though she still pops into my mind from time to time, and I start having some doubts as to whether I did the right thing or not, I really think I'm better off with her out of my life.
Monday, May 21, 2012
: It's my life!
This past week I've basically done nothing but play Diablo III. I'm not gonna write about that here, though, as I'm in the process of writing a post about it over on Eqagames. Although, you probably don't want to read that when I publish it if you don't want to diminish your enjoyment of the game. I'm pretty much just going over everything that I find disappointing about the game, compared to Diablo II.
Other than that, I've been working out quite a lot recently. I'm not sure what's going on, but for some reason I actually want to do it, which is a really, really... Weird feeling for me. I've always been the kind of guy who've shunned any kind of exercise, and up until recently all the exercise I really did was walking, which I've done very little of lately. But I've started using the exercise bike a lot more recently (although I wish I had one that was better, if anyone knows about one I could get cheap).
I'll admit that the first few times I really hated it, my legs really did not want to cooperate with me and started hurting almost immediately. But I've managed to push through that part and while it still feels a bit uncomfortable after a while, it's a lot better than it was. To compare; Back when I wrote this post I could only do 5+2x10 minutes. Two days ago I did 5+4x10+15 minutes. Today I did 5+3x10+15, one less 10min set than two days ago, but faster than before. It feels pretty good. I'm a bit curious if this has translated into any improvement in my walking, so I think I'll go for a walk out towards Odnes again sometime in the next couple of days.
My push-ups have also improved, although I'm a bit inconsistent in how many I do. Two days ago I did 5x7, today I did 4x8. But whatever, it's definitely an improvement over the 3x8 I wrote about last time, which was my absolute limit at that point. I've also started doing sit-ups, but again I have no idea if I'm doing it right. The description over at Fitocracy says I have to anchor my feet under something, and I don't have anything I can properly anchor my feet under. I tried using the exercise bike, but it's a bit too light, I keep lifting it with my feet. It also says I have to be "fully upright", but I just can't do that yet. Either way, I feel it in my abs, and I guess that's what counts. Isn't it?
The most amazing part, to me, is how much better I feel, mentally, when I do work out. After about four days of gaming Diablo III, and one 17th of May eating lots of stuff I shouldn't, I was feeling rather crappy, both mentally and physically. Then I got on the bike and when I was done I felt great! Again, I've always stayed away from exercising, but looking at it now I can't understand why.
Oh, and I've gotten a couple of questions about the girl I wrote about in my last life-update, and, well... I still don't want to talk too much about it, as there's not too much to talk about yet. I will say this, though; I like her more and more the more I interact with her. And as far as I can tell, the feeling is mutual. But yeah, I still haven't actually met her. I'm hoping it wont be too long until we do meet, but it'll happen when it happens.
And... Yeah. That's about it.
Btw; Give me song-titles with the word "life" in the title, that are appropriate for blog-posts about general life-updates. Like, last time I used "That's Life" by Frank Sinatra, and this time it's "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi. I just thought I'd make that a thing. =P
Other than that, I've been working out quite a lot recently. I'm not sure what's going on, but for some reason I actually want to do it, which is a really, really... Weird feeling for me. I've always been the kind of guy who've shunned any kind of exercise, and up until recently all the exercise I really did was walking, which I've done very little of lately. But I've started using the exercise bike a lot more recently (although I wish I had one that was better, if anyone knows about one I could get cheap).
I'll admit that the first few times I really hated it, my legs really did not want to cooperate with me and started hurting almost immediately. But I've managed to push through that part and while it still feels a bit uncomfortable after a while, it's a lot better than it was. To compare; Back when I wrote this post I could only do 5+2x10 minutes. Two days ago I did 5+4x10+15 minutes. Today I did 5+3x10+15, one less 10min set than two days ago, but faster than before. It feels pretty good. I'm a bit curious if this has translated into any improvement in my walking, so I think I'll go for a walk out towards Odnes again sometime in the next couple of days.
My push-ups have also improved, although I'm a bit inconsistent in how many I do. Two days ago I did 5x7, today I did 4x8. But whatever, it's definitely an improvement over the 3x8 I wrote about last time, which was my absolute limit at that point. I've also started doing sit-ups, but again I have no idea if I'm doing it right. The description over at Fitocracy says I have to anchor my feet under something, and I don't have anything I can properly anchor my feet under. I tried using the exercise bike, but it's a bit too light, I keep lifting it with my feet. It also says I have to be "fully upright", but I just can't do that yet. Either way, I feel it in my abs, and I guess that's what counts. Isn't it?
The most amazing part, to me, is how much better I feel, mentally, when I do work out. After about four days of gaming Diablo III, and one 17th of May eating lots of stuff I shouldn't, I was feeling rather crappy, both mentally and physically. Then I got on the bike and when I was done I felt great! Again, I've always stayed away from exercising, but looking at it now I can't understand why.
Oh, and I've gotten a couple of questions about the girl I wrote about in my last life-update, and, well... I still don't want to talk too much about it, as there's not too much to talk about yet. I will say this, though; I like her more and more the more I interact with her. And as far as I can tell, the feeling is mutual. But yeah, I still haven't actually met her. I'm hoping it wont be too long until we do meet, but it'll happen when it happens.
And... Yeah. That's about it.
Btw; Give me song-titles with the word "life" in the title, that are appropriate for blog-posts about general life-updates. Like, last time I used "That's Life" by Frank Sinatra, and this time it's "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi. I just thought I'd make that a thing. =P
Sunday, May 13, 2012
: Not one for book-learnin'.
I am not a book-person. I wish I was, as I imagine there are quite a few amazing books out there, but I just can't bring myself to actually read. I guess I've been spoiled by games, movies and TV-series when it comes to pacing in story-telling. Although, then again maybe not. Maybe I've always been this way.
Fiction
When I was younger, up to about 13-14, I did read books. Not a lot, but I read some. I particularly enjoyed the Narnia-books, and I've also read three of four different versions of Robinson Crusoe. And a few other random books here and there, like a very long and complicated version of the Jungle Book. But there's one thing I found time and time again, and that is that I am unable to stay focused during the "down-time" in books. If the "action" is put on hold for some mundane side-story or drawn-out character development or whatever, my mind starts drifting and suddenly I've read a couple of pages without actually knowing what I've read, resulting in having to go back and re-read a usually incredibly boring part of the book.
This is part of the reason why I don't sit down and read books, 'cause I know there will be these parts in the book, and I know I'll drift off when reading them, which makes what should've been an enjoyable experience very tedious and annoying. And I can't exactly skip these parts either, 'cause then I might miss important plot points, and something that happens later will make no sense to me. Not to mention that skipping ahead in a book is essentially a guessing game. In movies and TV-series, and to some degree games, you usually don't have that problem. There's always something real you can focus on to keep you interested in what's going on, and if it's based on a book, the most boring parts have most likely been cut or edited to make a long point short.
Non-Fiction
Frustratingly, this also happens whenever I'm studying something. Whether it be randomly searching up something on Wikipedia, or actually reading a schoolbook or similar. I think this is part of the reason why, several years ago now, when I was supposed to be studying privately and pass the basic "college" subjects without actually going to school, I basically just screwed the whole thing. I don't remember anymore what subjects those were, as I never even got to do most of the exams, because the school screwed up and sent the info to the wrong address. The only one I did was English, on which I got a 4/6. Based on my grasp of the English language, the sensor said I should've gotten a 5, but based on my knowledge of American history (which was the subject for that year, for some reason, I never understood what history and stuff like that has to do with a language subject) I was supposed to fail, as I hadn't studied it at all. So I got a 4.
Whenever people say that I'm smart and should sit down and study and fulfill my potential and whatever, I act like I'm flattered, but really I'm just annoyed and frustrated. 'Cause I know that it's true; If I really do sit down and study something that I find interesting, I loose myself in reading it, and I can often understand it rather easily. But I also know that most of the stuff that I have to study to get any kind of education will be boring as hell, and then my mind will start to drift, I'll get annoyed because I have to read stuff over and over because I didn't pay attention the first eighteen times, and eventually I'll just give up and throw the book out the window. I just don't have the focus needed to do something like that. I wish I did, but I don't. Damnit, there's even been times where I've drifted away because I find my own writing too boring.
Conclusion
So... Yeah. This is part of the reason why I don't read that much. Again, I wish I didn't have this problem, 'cause I'd love to be able to study, experience and learn through reading. I mean, I still do that, but... I'd like to do in a larger scale, so to speak. But this just happens. Even when I try to focus on focusing, my mind drifts away thinking about focusing, and I again don't learn anything.
TL;DR: TL;DR.
And some questions in the hope of getting some response:
How do you experience reading something that you find boring or uninteresting?
Have you ever given up on studying something/reading a book?
Fiction
When I was younger, up to about 13-14, I did read books. Not a lot, but I read some. I particularly enjoyed the Narnia-books, and I've also read three of four different versions of Robinson Crusoe. And a few other random books here and there, like a very long and complicated version of the Jungle Book. But there's one thing I found time and time again, and that is that I am unable to stay focused during the "down-time" in books. If the "action" is put on hold for some mundane side-story or drawn-out character development or whatever, my mind starts drifting and suddenly I've read a couple of pages without actually knowing what I've read, resulting in having to go back and re-read a usually incredibly boring part of the book.
This is part of the reason why I don't sit down and read books, 'cause I know there will be these parts in the book, and I know I'll drift off when reading them, which makes what should've been an enjoyable experience very tedious and annoying. And I can't exactly skip these parts either, 'cause then I might miss important plot points, and something that happens later will make no sense to me. Not to mention that skipping ahead in a book is essentially a guessing game. In movies and TV-series, and to some degree games, you usually don't have that problem. There's always something real you can focus on to keep you interested in what's going on, and if it's based on a book, the most boring parts have most likely been cut or edited to make a long point short.
Non-Fiction
Frustratingly, this also happens whenever I'm studying something. Whether it be randomly searching up something on Wikipedia, or actually reading a schoolbook or similar. I think this is part of the reason why, several years ago now, when I was supposed to be studying privately and pass the basic "college" subjects without actually going to school, I basically just screwed the whole thing. I don't remember anymore what subjects those were, as I never even got to do most of the exams, because the school screwed up and sent the info to the wrong address. The only one I did was English, on which I got a 4/6. Based on my grasp of the English language, the sensor said I should've gotten a 5, but based on my knowledge of American history (which was the subject for that year, for some reason, I never understood what history and stuff like that has to do with a language subject) I was supposed to fail, as I hadn't studied it at all. So I got a 4.
Whenever people say that I'm smart and should sit down and study and fulfill my potential and whatever, I act like I'm flattered, but really I'm just annoyed and frustrated. 'Cause I know that it's true; If I really do sit down and study something that I find interesting, I loose myself in reading it, and I can often understand it rather easily. But I also know that most of the stuff that I have to study to get any kind of education will be boring as hell, and then my mind will start to drift, I'll get annoyed because I have to read stuff over and over because I didn't pay attention the first eighteen times, and eventually I'll just give up and throw the book out the window. I just don't have the focus needed to do something like that. I wish I did, but I don't. Damnit, there's even been times where I've drifted away because I find my own writing too boring.
Conclusion
So... Yeah. This is part of the reason why I don't read that much. Again, I wish I didn't have this problem, 'cause I'd love to be able to study, experience and learn through reading. I mean, I still do that, but... I'd like to do in a larger scale, so to speak. But this just happens. Even when I try to focus on focusing, my mind drifts away thinking about focusing, and I again don't learn anything.
TL;DR: TL;DR.
And some questions in the hope of getting some response:
How do you experience reading something that you find boring or uninteresting?
Have you ever given up on studying something/reading a book?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
: Suicide.
A friend of mine considered suicide a while ago. I'm not gonna mention his name here, I'll leave that up to him if he wants to share it. Some of you might know who I'm talking about, though, as he has written his own blog post about it.
I wouldn't call this post a response to him exactly, particularly as it's been such a long time now, but it's an explanation of sorts on my views and thoughts about suicide.
Some of you might know, particularly if you read one of my recent posts, that the thought of committing suicide has crossed my mind more than once during the last ten years. When your life seems to be an eternal uphill struggle on a giant hill of ice, it doesn't take much to fall from time to time, and the climb back up can be hell. But there is one thing that has kept those thoughts from evolving, one thing that has kept me from falling all the way down to the bottom.
In January of '94, 18 years ago now, my uncle Gustav committed suicide. I don't really know why he did it, I'm not sure if anyone really knows, and I'm not gonna speculate. That's not why I'm talking about him. What I do want to talk about is his amazing talent with computers. He was a computer wizard, plain and simple. He was completely self-taught, having started out with nothing more than a command line on his first computer, and had programmed a lot of stuff all by himself over the years. He was the kind of guy that took computer classes, where he basically took over the entire class and taught the teachers. I've also heard that some of the courses he took he only showed up on test-days, and still aced the tests. Don't know if that's true, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is.
I was still too young to really be affected by what happened at the time. We didn't have too much contact with him either, as far as I remember. But I've thought a lot about him in recent years, and particularly after I got really interested in computers myself. And one of the things that bothers me the most about it all is all the possibilities a guy like him would have if he was still alive today. Back in '94 I don't think there really was too much use for someone with his skills yet, there wasn't really a computer culture in Norway yet, as far as I know. And as I said, I'm not writing this to speculate about why he did what he did, but I'm pretty sure that the lack of opportunities for him to really utilize his talent at the time played a significant role in his decision.
And that is the one thing that have kept me from ending my life; Thinking about all the possibilities my uncle missed out on by ending his life, and therefore also thinking about all the possibilities that I might miss out on by ending mine. Even though I don't have any real talent, at least not in the same way he had, as far as I know. But you never know what might happen.
There's nothing certain about the future. Even if your life seems bad right now, something might happen at some point that changes it for the better.
And that is the one thing that have kept me from ending my life; Thinking about all the possibilities my uncle missed out on by ending his life, and therefore also thinking about all the possibilities that I might miss out on by ending mine. Even though I don't have any real talent, at least not in the same way he had, as far as I know. But you never know what might happen.
There's nothing certain about the future. Even if your life seems bad right now, something might happen at some point that changes it for the better.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
: Chaos and emptiness.
As my Facebook-friends might have noticed, things aren't going too well at the moment. I'm not gonna talk about the actual situation, but I want to talk about the cause behind it.
I have a sleep disorder called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, or DSPS for short. I've talked about it a bit in one of my recent posts, but in short, it means that the time of day when I can actually have a restful sleep is locked to the same time every single day. In my case, it's between ~6am and ~2pm.
I've had this for as long as I can remember, but up until November of last year I had no idea what it actually was or how to deal with it. I tried everything I, and anyone I talked to about it, could think of, and nothing worked. So I couldn't function properly, and was unable to finish school, unable to get a job, unable to keep appointments early in the day, etc. Everything I tried failed because of this, and I gave up. On everything. I didn't care anymore, about anything. All I cared about was getting my social security money somehow, so I could survive, and let the days just... Flow by. Things got a little better after I got some weaker form of the meds I take today, and got a "government sponsored" job, but I had to struggle hard to make it work, and it very often failed.
During all this time I stopped doing anything. I didn't take care of my apartment in any way. I barely got out the door. If I had to go to the store, I hitched a ride with my grandparents, and never thanked them. I had contact with my friends through LANs, which worked out nicely since LANs follow my sleep pattern, but I often wasn't really a part of it, I was just there. The thought of committing suicide struck my mind a few times, but you can read about that later, in another post I'm writing. My point is, I didn't really care about anything anymore.
It's now been a bit over a year since I got out of this hell. I met the wonderful Wenche, and soon after I got the DSPS-diagnosis and new meds. I've changed a lot since then. The problem is, I still have a hell of a lot more to change. Many of those bad habits and thoughts that I acquired back then is still with me, and they're stuck pretty deep. So I end up doing many mistakes because of it. Too many. I can fix all this, though, but it takes time. And I need help.
The absolutely worst part of all of this, though, is that I've completely lost all goals and thoughts about the future. I still am, in many ways, barely holding on, by taking things one day at a time. I'm scared of thinking too far ahead, I'm scared of making plans, because every single plan I've ever made has failed. No exceptions. It came to the point a few years ago, that I could no longer think about the future. Whenever someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, my mind just went blank. There was nothing in the future. It didn't exist, or I didn't exist in it. And the more people asked me about it, the more it changed from just a blank to a sort of dark void, that made me feel ill. Not even when I got the "government sponsored" job, which I loved, did it change, 'cause from day one, in the back of my mind, I "knew" that I'd never be hired as a full-time employee. And it's still like this today.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it -can- be fixed. The only goal I have set for myself at this time is to get in shape. And even that I can barely motivate myself to do. The thought of me getting a real job and keep it is just absurd to me, my mind refuses to believe it's possible. I've just lost all faith in myself, and it's been gone for a very long time.
I guess I should try to get some professional help somehow, but my experiences with that doesn't leave me much hope either...
I've had this for as long as I can remember, but up until November of last year I had no idea what it actually was or how to deal with it. I tried everything I, and anyone I talked to about it, could think of, and nothing worked. So I couldn't function properly, and was unable to finish school, unable to get a job, unable to keep appointments early in the day, etc. Everything I tried failed because of this, and I gave up. On everything. I didn't care anymore, about anything. All I cared about was getting my social security money somehow, so I could survive, and let the days just... Flow by. Things got a little better after I got some weaker form of the meds I take today, and got a "government sponsored" job, but I had to struggle hard to make it work, and it very often failed.
During all this time I stopped doing anything. I didn't take care of my apartment in any way. I barely got out the door. If I had to go to the store, I hitched a ride with my grandparents, and never thanked them. I had contact with my friends through LANs, which worked out nicely since LANs follow my sleep pattern, but I often wasn't really a part of it, I was just there. The thought of committing suicide struck my mind a few times, but you can read about that later, in another post I'm writing. My point is, I didn't really care about anything anymore.
It's now been a bit over a year since I got out of this hell. I met the wonderful Wenche, and soon after I got the DSPS-diagnosis and new meds. I've changed a lot since then. The problem is, I still have a hell of a lot more to change. Many of those bad habits and thoughts that I acquired back then is still with me, and they're stuck pretty deep. So I end up doing many mistakes because of it. Too many. I can fix all this, though, but it takes time. And I need help.
The absolutely worst part of all of this, though, is that I've completely lost all goals and thoughts about the future. I still am, in many ways, barely holding on, by taking things one day at a time. I'm scared of thinking too far ahead, I'm scared of making plans, because every single plan I've ever made has failed. No exceptions. It came to the point a few years ago, that I could no longer think about the future. Whenever someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, my mind just went blank. There was nothing in the future. It didn't exist, or I didn't exist in it. And the more people asked me about it, the more it changed from just a blank to a sort of dark void, that made me feel ill. Not even when I got the "government sponsored" job, which I loved, did it change, 'cause from day one, in the back of my mind, I "knew" that I'd never be hired as a full-time employee. And it's still like this today.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it -can- be fixed. The only goal I have set for myself at this time is to get in shape. And even that I can barely motivate myself to do. The thought of me getting a real job and keep it is just absurd to me, my mind refuses to believe it's possible. I've just lost all faith in myself, and it's been gone for a very long time.
I guess I should try to get some professional help somehow, but my experiences with that doesn't leave me much hope either...
Monday, December 5, 2011
: Ugh.
I woke up this morning feeling really, really... I don't even know. Just completely indifferent about everything. I woke up first at 9am, when my alarm went off. I've started to have an alarm every day now, to try to regulate my sleep pattern, but so far I haven't been too good at obeying it, so to speak. But today I just didn't care. So I went back to sleep instantly. During the next four hours I woke up and fell asleep several times, and finally, at about 1pm, I decided to get out of bed.
I was starving, but didn't have any food in the house. I really, really didn't feel like going to the store either, I didn't want to leave the house at all to be honest, but I eventually pushed myself out the door. And that's probably the best thing I could've done. After walking down to Dokka, having a 333g burger, and walking back up after buying some groceries, I feel a lot better. I still don't feel great, but it's definitely an improvement.
During the weekend I've been playing some more Star Wars: The Old Republic. I got invited to the last beta test weekend, after playing in the previous beta test weekend. I might go write a follow-up to my last post over on Eqagames about it, but I don't feel like doing that now. I will say this, though; I'm surprised by how poor it runs on my computer when I get to the bigger areas. Skyrim runs better on my computer than SW:TOR... I don't know, maybe it's just not optimized for laptop graphics, or something.
I was starving, but didn't have any food in the house. I really, really didn't feel like going to the store either, I didn't want to leave the house at all to be honest, but I eventually pushed myself out the door. And that's probably the best thing I could've done. After walking down to Dokka, having a 333g burger, and walking back up after buying some groceries, I feel a lot better. I still don't feel great, but it's definitely an improvement.
During the weekend I've been playing some more Star Wars: The Old Republic. I got invited to the last beta test weekend, after playing in the previous beta test weekend. I might go write a follow-up to my last post over on Eqagames about it, but I don't feel like doing that now. I will say this, though; I'm surprised by how poor it runs on my computer when I get to the bigger areas. Skyrim runs better on my computer than SW:TOR... I don't know, maybe it's just not optimized for laptop graphics, or something.
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