: My goal in life.

Warning: This post consists mostly of me beating down on myself. I'd prefer it if you just move along if you can't deal with that, or for some reason feel the need to act superior, make fun of it, or beat me down even more.

For the past year I've been thinking a lot on what my goal in life is. A lot of that has to do with my ex asking me that question on several occasions in the time before we broke up. It's a question that I, in my situation, hasn't been able to answer. When you think about having a goal in life, you usually think about stuff like careers, or having children, seeing the world, changing something... Stuff like that. I don't have those goals. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't want any of it, but it's not important to me in that way.

Career

I've talked about this in several occasions before, but I'll say it again; Due to my sleep disorder, I am literally unable to imagine myself in any form of regular employment. I just can't see how it's gonna work out, when I know that there will be days where I will be physically unable to work due to sleep deprivation. Employment through social services, where I'm a non-important part of the team, essentially just extra help whenever I can, like the job I had until two years ago, sure, that might work. But that's not a career. That's not something I can build a life around.

I don't have any particular talent that I can use in a "non-traditional" way to build a career on either. At least not that I know of. I'm not a musician, I can neither use an instrument nor sing. I'm not an artist, which became very obvious to me during my time on deviantArt. I'm not a writer, I can't write a proper narrative. I have severe stage-fright, so I can't be an actor. Etc. Some of these things I could probably learn, but I lack the determination to learn on my own, and the thought of going back to school makes me feel physically sick.

My dream job would be to continue with what I did, fixing computers, only on my own terms. But I lack the resources to pull off something like that.

Children

This is not a goal of mine, simply because I don't feel ready for it, and I doubt I ever will (which is very much related to the career thing). I'm not saying that I don't want to have children ever, but if it happens, it will be because it is something an eventual partner wants, not because I do. I, personally, would be happy living my entire life without having any children of my own. So yeah, definitely not a goal in my life.

Seeing the world

I don't feel the need to travel. It's not in me at all. I don't know if that is just a result of never really having traveled much to begin with, or if I just don't have that drive. Whenever people ask me the standard question "If you could go anywhere, where would you go?", my answer is almost always "Nowhere". The only place I can really think of that I want to visit is the Netherlands, but that is mostly because I have a lot of relatives there. Sure, there are other places in the world I'd like to see if the opportunity came up. But I don't feel the need to actively pursue it. It just isn't a goal.

Other goals

I'm not even gonna bother talking about the changing something part in any detail. I mean, there are lots of things I'd love to change if I could, but... I'll never be able to, so there's really no point in talking about it.

I'm sure there are other "typical" goals that I haven't mentioned, but as I can't even think of them, it's definitely not relevant to me. I'd appreciate suggestions, I guess? Just don't expect me to suddenly realize that this is what I want to do, 'cause it's way more likely that I'd just kill it off completely. Not necessarily because I want to, but because of the reality of the situation I'm in.

So what is my goal?

My goal in life is pretty much this; To live a relatively peaceful and simple life with someone I love. So yeah; Love. What I want more than anything else is to find someone I can and want to share my life with. That's it. If I can achieve that somehow, then I will consider my life a success. If I can't... Then I will have failed on everything that is important to me. I know that might sound silly, but it truly is how I feel.

I did have that for about a year. It really was the happiest time of my life so far, and I thank my ex for giving me that time. Unfortunately, we weren't compatible in the long run. We had certain differences in how things should be tackled that we couldn't overcome, and in the end we decided that it was better that we went our separate ways and preserved our friendship, than to keep trying and failing and most likely end up hating each other.

Pursuing the goal

I really wish I could have that feeling back, though, the feeling of being close to someone, of loving someone and being loved back. Unfortunately, I really suck at getting there. I don't know if it's my fault, if I'm doing something wrong, or if I just fall for the wrong women. I'm gonna guess that it's me, though, 'cause it seems to follow the same pattern every time. There's this weird dance back and forth, which never really leads anywhere, and always ends up without anything ever happening. It might come close, but it always falls apart at the last second. I think the only reason things worked out with me and my ex was because it all happened so fast. 

Because of my lack of other goals, particularly career-wise, I also don't have anything to offer in a relationship. I am in no way able to support anyone, I am barely able to support myself. All I can really offer is being there. And therein lies the last, but definitely not least, problem; My appearance. Now don't misunderstand this as a low self-esteem thing, 'cause it's not. Apart from being a bit overweight (which I am working on), I have no real problem with my own appearance. But I know for a fact that in general I'm not very attractive in women's eyes. I know this, because I have been told so on several occasions. And most of the times I've heard otherwise, it's been from women who have no interest in me other than friendship. And that just makes me feel worse. So yeah, unless you're actually interested in a relationship with me, don't bother trying to "correct" me on this. 

In the end it really comes down to this, though; I have a real problem with having to wait, no matter what the reason for having to wait actually is. The longer I have to wait, the more insecure I get, and the more "clingy" and desperate I get. I know this, I try not to, but it just happens. I don't know if this is as bad as I feel it is, if whoever I'm doing it to feels I am overdoing it, or if it's just my insecurity striking again. But when I get there, regardless of whether I'm actually bothering the one I'm pursuing or not, I start feeling guilty and end up just stopping completely.

Poly-amory?

Back when I wrote my post about being poly-amorous, I got a couple of questions about it. There's particularly one question I want to address in regards to this post, and my life goal, that I've also seen several times in other places where poly-amory have been discussed, which is basically this; How can you expect someone to feel like they're special to you if you fall in love left and right? It's a legit question, I guess, but it comes from a complete misunderstanding of what poly-amory really is.

Being poly-amorous does not mean that you fall in love with everyone and anyone. It doesn't even mean that you necessarily fall in love with more than one person at a time at all. It just means that you recognize and accept the fact that the possibility of this exists within you, and is essentially out of your control (whether, and how, you act upon it is an entirely different subject). Now, I did say in my original post that I can easily develop feelings for someone. And while that is true, it takes a lot for those feelings to grow into something worthwhile (unless I force it, which I have done on a couple of occasions, with very bad results).

So while you can technically say that I do fall for people left and right, it doesn't mean anything. It's only meaningful once I get to the point of actually pursuing it, which I very rarely do. And wouldn't do at all if I were in a relationship with someone who wasn't comfortable with it.

So yeah, that's... That. For whoever might be interested. I want to ask that those who do read this try to understand the point of this and think before commenting. The last time I posted a big personal post like this, someone completely missed my point and kept posting anonymous comments that had no relevance whatsoever. So yeah, either refrain from commenting if you don't understand what this post is about, or at least identify yourself if you do.