: Poly-amory.

I consider myself to be what is called poly-amorous. I feel like talking about what that is, or at least my understanding of it, and how I feel about it. I fear that this post might get a lot of negative attention from people who "know better", but whatever. I'll deal with that if/when it happens.

What does it mean to be poly-amorous?

Being poly-amorous means that you find yourself falling in love with, or at least develop strong feelings for, more than one person at a time. Being poly-amorous does not mean that you're necessarily a polygamist, although in my view there's nothing wrong with that either, as long as all parties agree to it. That's really the easiest way to explain what it is. I, personally, am convinced that everyone is poly-amorous to a certain degree, but that it "affects" some people more than others; That some people can fall deeply in love with several people at a time, and does so rather consistently, and others are essentially mono-amorous, very rarely feeling any attraction towards anyone other than their partner... And everything in between. Most people live mono-amorously, though, so one can't really call them poly-amorous. 

Poly-amory symbol.

This seems wrong...

Well, that's mainly because most people nowadays have been taught that mono-amory and monogamy is the only right way to live, and that there is a "one" for everyone. But, being attracted to, and developing feelings for, several people at a time is natural. We're built to be attracted to others, without any specified limit to how many others we can be attracted to. It doesn't matter to our brain that we already have a partner when we see someone else that we find attractive. So you can't really blame anyone for developing feelings for someone other than their partner, as it isn't really their fault. And it doesn't mean they feel any less for either of them than they would if they were mono-amorous.

And yes, I know there are certain species of animals that actually are monogamous, that pick and stay with one partner for their entire life. For some reason this is something that a lot of people bring up when this topic is discussed. But those species aren't the norm, there's actually very few of them. And for those that are monogamous, there is probably some sort of evolutionary and/or environmental reason for it, like that it's too difficult for one single individual of the species to care for, and ensure the survival of, the offspring... Which is not really the case for humans.

But... Isn't it cheating?

Well, that really depends on your definition of cheating. And if you define cheating as having feelings for someone other than your partner, then yes it is. But by that definition, I'm pretty sure that almost everyone who's ever been in a relatively long term relationship has "cheated" on their partner. What I would consider cheating is acting on those feelings behind your partner's back. And I'm not talking about innocent flirting, but actually getting into some sort of relationship, emotional or physical. If you feel the need to act upon those feelings, make sure your partner knows and consents. It's as simple as that.

What about jealousy?

Well, jealousy is also natural of course. People don't like the thought of other people using their stuff. But I feel the level of jealousy that we see in some people today isn't just a result of how we're built anymore. Again, most people today have been taught that monogamy is the right way, that it's the only way human relationships are supposed to work. And because of that, even the thought of their "one" being attracted to someone else will make them react very poorly. A lot of relationships could've been saved if people just understood that they don't necessarily mean any less to their partner just because they develop feelings for someone else.

How does one live with it?

The easiest way to live with being highly poly-amorous, is to have an open relationship. That probably doesn't need to be explained, but I will do it anyway; It essentially means that you stick with one person that is your chosen partner, but you've both agreed on that being with others is perfectly fine, as long as you're being honest with each other about it. It's the most traditional way of dealing with poly-amory from what I can find. Historically, apparently up until as recently as about 60 years ago, it was normal, particularly for men, to hook up with other women outside of their marriage. But for some reason, instead of "giving" women the freedom to be with more than one person, this freedom was "taken away" from men.

Another, more difficult, way to handle it, is polygamy or polyfidelity/polyexclusivity. The most common variation of this is one man with many women, but it can be done in so many combinations. This is very tricky to pull off, though, and requires that everyone involved is committed to keeping it afloat, and that everyone is considered equal. If one or more of the people involved either isn't 100% committed, or want to "rise up" and limit the involvement of someone else, the whole group might collapse. It has to be up to every "link" within the group to decide how their specific relationship will work, while at the same time, of course, considering how it will affect other "links". To avoid too many complications, these kind of groups sometimes consider themselves exclusive, meaning that no one within the group will enter into a relationship with someone not accepted into the group.

How has poly-amory affected you?

Well, I am somewhat strongly affected, in that I rather easily develop feelings for someone. Those feelings rarely last too long, at least not if they're not returned, but it varies a lot. Right now, there are five different girls that I have some sort of attraction to; One that has lasted for five years, one that has lasted about three years i think, and another for little over a year. The last two are relatively fresh. All of these five know that I have feelings for them to some degree, and three of them know, and approve, of my poly-amory. The fourth might know, I'm not sure. And the fifth I haven't really talked to a lot.

How do you deal with it?

For me it's quite simple. Or at least it is now. Over the years, I have developed an ability to push back feelings that aren't returned, which has also led me to be able to push back feelings for anyone else when it actually is returned. At least that's what I experienced when I got together with Wenche. Up until then there was one girl, Andrea, that was almost always on my mind. But during my relationship with Wenche I barely ever thought about Andrea in that way. It did of course happen from time to time, but for the most part, my feelings were completely focused on Wenche. I don't expect that to last forever, though, but that is part of why I've decided to be open about this, so that whoever I end up with knows who I am and how I work, and thus what to expect.